2.18.2009

MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL. (A VERY PERSONAL POST)

I know this post will be a little bit personal, and this issue hits home....hard. So, if you really don't give a fuck about me as a person, or have anything really meaningful to say, then don't read or comment. My feelings would be really hurt.

So, I never knew that my family would end up like this. When I was younger, we had the dream house. We had everything we could ask for. Cars, nice things, happy home/family, anything I wanted I got and it wasn't an issue. Money wasn't a problem. Then it all came crashing down. My mom and dad got a divorce. My mom gave our lovely home back to the bank that we were less than $1,000 away from owning, and little did I know then, but we would never get back on our feet.

Now, $1,600 behind on rent, single parent who cannot work because of a car accident, and a never ending struggle for money, I realize that my life has turned completely around. In no way shape or form am I saying that I have a fucked uo life, because I DON'T! I have a job, a loving mother who gives everything she can to cater to my little brother and I, I work hard for my own money and I get to keep it, too many nice things, and I have a roof over my head. I know there are people who are far worse off than my family is.

It really is an issue because as I get older, life scares me more than ever. I've had to deal with everything from chasing my mom down the street because she wants to kill herself, her crying wanting to give my brother and I up because she wants better for us, and the painful look in her eyes when she has to ask me for money....It kills me. I know that I'm getting older now, and I've been more mature than most kids my age since forever, but I think that my childhood was cut way too short. I'm not complaining because it makes me who I am, but I just realized how hard it is for my mom. She struggles everyday not knowing how she is going to pay the next bill, if our landlord will evict us the next day, or if she can get me to work without running out of gas...and that hurts me. It really does.

I wonder if my dad cares. He's not any better off than we are now by far, but I wonder if he realizes what he has done. Does he care that we struggle all the time? Does he care if my brother and I have food to eat or a way to school? I really don't think he does. It sucks. My mom is still in love with him. Valentine's day is/was their anniversary. They have been split up for a few years now, but he usually calls her on February 14th. This year....he didn't. I know it hurt her. I KNOW it did, even though she acted like it didn't matter. It really does to her. She still loves him, and deep down inside I believe in my heart that she is still IN love with him. I mean, they were high school sweethearts, practically! She wasn't really with anybody else. They have been together off and on since she was 15 years old. That's a long time... She called him and asked him why she didn't get a call, he answered back with a simple "Well, I must've been busy..". Okay, like really? I dunno. It just sucks when you sit down and think about how life really is a struggle for some people.

I know I may seem like I'm so "fresh", "fly", and whatever else, but it's a struggle to get the shit I have. I know I have many nice things accounted for, but you have got to really understand how hard my mom and I work to get the things I own. My mom is a great woman who has instilled many great qualities in me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have her to be honest....

2 comments.:

Shamela said...

I read your post, and I know i don't know you, but i understand your situation, my mother was a single mom strugglin and no matter how much she was strugglin, she always made sure her kids got what they needed and more. Your post really touched me. Thanks for sharing that.

ShantaeMarlinda said...

You're completely right, Audrey. Everything you're enduring now are merely building blocks for a stronger more durable character. Now I understand why you're so level-headed and open-minded. You've seen and done things that many of us haven't. I respect that a lot. Both you and your mother are amazing, inspiring people.