March 13, 2009.

My cousin Cassie and I were having this discussion through texts about life and death. How can God put people through so much, yet be called upon as our savior? I'm not questioning God and what He does. I'm not overly-religious, but I do believe in God as a higher power.

I've lost a few people in the past year and it's cut me so deep that I can't even summon myself to say I'm healing. I'm not. Cassie started off the conversation by asking me if there was ever times where I wished that I could talk to someone that had past so bad that I'd give basically anything to do so. The answer is, Yes. Yes, I would give anything in this world to just have one more conversation with a few people.

It sucks because when you think about the bigger picture, you never know what life is doing to you. You never know when your last day could be approaching. You never know how God will turn things around. I explained my perception of why people suffer to my cousin. I think God makes certain people suffer because the person He is trying to open His gates to doesn't want to go. They don't want to leave their loved ones. So they try and beat God's plan, in turn, making them suffer. They try so hard because they don't want to go and they don't think it's their time, but God really needs them so He does whatever He has to do to take them home.

Does that make sense though? That God puts His children through so much by either taking them or taking them from the people they love? Does it make sense that love is even an emotion or feeling that we are able to feel? Why would God make such an expression for us to feel, so that when we do feel it- he takes the person we love. God stabs you so deep that you never get over it. I know that people say time makes things better, but it doesn't. That is not true. It's become a never-ending cycle for me to fall asleep with tears trickling down my face. I wish I could bring back Mike and Scott.

Suicide is supposed to be a sin. So why do God's children do such a thing to be with Him? Why does God put that in His children's plan if it's such a sin? God takes the people He wants to shed from evil. God does mysterious things. I can't even fathom to understand why it has to happen.

Cassie mentioned the word "utopia", questioning the word in it's entirety. Why would there be such a word? A word that means "living in perfect harmony", that is nowhere near available here on Earth. I believe the word was made up by someone who was in search of that exact meaning. The word still exists because it’s the fantasy that nobody can really, truly reach. It sucks, but what can you do?