9.04.2009

EMOTIONS.

Have you ever had something that meant the world to you, but you didn't realize it until it was taken away? Have you ever been so scared to put your all into something because you were scared of how it would end up? So, what do you do when you beat your brain into thinking only the best of things will happen, and as soon as the wall is down- you're broke? How do you take that? How can you forgive yourself for making it seem everything was okay? It hurts that much more.

It's worse when you gave your trust in the situation, and you wanted it to be perfect and then it fell apart. It didn't fall apart because of you, it fell apart because of other parties in the situation. How do you know what the other person told you was true? How can it be true when the time is now, but the only one hurting is you?

I felt like I could do anything just last week, and now I feel so numb. I feel like everything I let myself believe was a lie. It was wrong. Why did I let myself do that? I fell in love with someone who didn't feel the same way. My chest hurts everyday. I wake up and immediately think of her. It's more than I can take. It's something I never wanted to feel. How can your whole existence seem so worthless after just one event in your life? All because I thought she loved me back.

I never had high self esteem, I always thought negative about myself. So, when I met her she made me feel special. I held onto every word she spoke, I remember everything about her. She was like a walking God to me. I can't even tell you why. You know how when you get this feeling that something is just...right? That's how it felt. Despite the rumors I heard, the way I looked at myself, and the way it played out, I still went along with it. I wanted her to look at my the same way I looked at her. I was in love with her before she even know it. I thought about her everyday, wishing and hoping that one day there would be an US. It came and I swear on my life I never felt so loved in my entire life. I felt perfect. Just looking at her made me so happy. I held onto every kiss, every hug, every moment with her....was everything to me.

I feel like my whole life is crushed. I keep trying to think that it doesn't matter and that her and i can just go back to being friends. I'm trying to get over it. It's so hard. I can't even hear her name without my heart hurting. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up for a long time. Nobody knows how bad it hurts. I wish I could go back and forget about my feelings for her. How many nights can you possibly cry yourself to sleep until you run out of tears? Somebody please help me.

4 comments.:

A.R. said...

the first sentence got me....and cute layout.

sade; said...

wow.
I absolutely love the vocabulary context of this blog. Its rather fascinating.

I'm saddened by your emotions in your blog.
I have the utmost complete empathy for you.

•{SUNSHiNE}• said...

babe, i love everything about you, but only time will tell. we have 1 year under our belt now.

im confident!

Shantae said...

I can tell you from experience that in the beginning, every day is going to hurt worst than the last. You'll cry a lot, you'll contemplate what happened a lot and you'll go over various ways that you could've seen it coming or prevented it. Then after awhile you'll start thinking less and less about it. The load will get lighter and you'll realize out of the blue one day, that you're okay. I wish I could say everything is easy peasy but it's not. I can say, though, that you'll be okay in time.

Oh and don't EVER regret falling in love because not every one gets to feel what that's like. And just because the love was there doesn't mean it's SUPPOSED to work out the way you want it. Maybe you guys were only meant to be friends yanno?

Just take it a day at a time mama. Find ways to pass up time and keep you busy. You'll be okay...