This last year, I have lost four people personally close to me. I don't want this post to turn into a personal sob story or anything of that nature. What I do want, is for people who actually read my blog to take a second to understand the realism's of what I'm about to type.

Derrion Albert was a 16 year old boy who was beaten to death a few days ago. Beaten to death by his fellow YOUTH. People his age. People my age. People who are just kids.

How could someone take some drastic measures and take another person's life? It disgusts me that people have so much hate in their hearts that they can do this.

Anyways, I hate how it takes something this bad to make people realize that violence really isn't the answer. I know that this is like preaching to the choir, but I feel like it's the least I can do.

If ANYONE even reads my blogs, just know that many peoples lives become broken when viiolent acts occur that take someones life. Why should we keep this cycle going?



Sometimes life throws too much your way.

Sometimes life doesn't throw enough.

Is it the fact that people are just always searching for perfection, or is it that people always need things to complain about. I've heard that as Americans, we are never satisfied. I don't too much believe that. I think it's more of a person thing. Nobody is ever REALLY satisfied. We are always just content. If we were satisfied, we wouldn't keep wanting and needing things.

You wouldn't keep saving up for that new car, paying the rent, or looking for that special someone.

I aint one to sit here and say that I never complain, because I do. i complain more than almost anything else in life....because that's just how I show that I want things to change. I want to change myself, situations, people, ect.

Why wouldn't you want things or people to continuously change? If they didn't, things would get boring.

I really don't know where all of this is coming from. It's late, Im tired, and I just was dissatisfied with my lack of blogging.



There's always a person who you secretly wish you had that same relationship with as when you first met. I first met this person under misled circumstances. I misled them, not vice versa. I never thought that where I led him would become uncovered and would change everything.

It happened, though. I misled a lot of people. But THIS person, meant a whole lot to me.

I still talk to this person. How did this person forgive me for what I had done? I really don't know, but they did. I am very thankful for that, but I wish things were the way they were before. It's kind of like having only half of a person. It feels weird, and I often think about the times we used to share on the phone, crackin jokes, ect. I know it can never be the same so I'm not sure why I'm even writing this...

All I know is that I really appreciate this person. I wish they understood. It's hard to just keep it the way it is, but I would rather have them in my life this way than no way at all.



My cousin died today.


How can you convey the emotions you feel so strongly about in words? I don't think I can describe to you the pain that I feel right now. The anguish is eating me alive. Never in life did I ever think I would live to see the day when my cousin or any family member would be a part of a homicide.

They stabbed him right in his heart. It went all the way through his heart. How could you?

Artie rushed him tot he hospital. He died on the way there. They shocked him back to life. He was ridin it out. They took his heart out of his body, sewed it back together, and put it back in. You weren't coming back at first....so, why did God let you start working with your heart after 13 minutes? WHY?! Why did God give all of us hope? You started blanking and snoring that day. We all had so much hope in our hearts. So, why did you take a turn for the worst? Was it because your brain finally was waking p realizing how muc trauma you were going trough? They screwed holes in your head to try and releive the pressure, but it wasn't enough. that day you took a turn for the worst, you were 98% brain dead. You were practically dead then. I don't know why your mom and dad decided to keep you on the life support then. Why? You were just suffering. You had no chance of making it anyway. All that was left to do was turn the machine off and walk away. You were too far gone.

...And at 6:23 I got the text. You had just passed.

You were about to be 20.....damn.



Have you ever had something that meant the world to you, but you didn't realize it until it was taken away? Have you ever been so scared to put your all into something because you were scared of how it would end up? So, what do you do when you beat your brain into thinking only the best of things will happen, and as soon as the wall is down- you're broke? How do you take that? How can you forgive yourself for making it seem everything was okay? It hurts that much more.

It's worse when you gave your trust in the situation, and you wanted it to be perfect and then it fell apart. It didn't fall apart because of you, it fell apart because of other parties in the situation. How do you know what the other person told you was true? How can it be true when the time is now, but the only one hurting is you?

I felt like I could do anything just last week, and now I feel so numb. I feel like everything I let myself believe was a lie. It was wrong. Why did I let myself do that? I fell in love with someone who didn't feel the same way. My chest hurts everyday. I wake up and immediately think of her. It's more than I can take. It's something I never wanted to feel. How can your whole existence seem so worthless after just one event in your life? All because I thought she loved me back.

I never had high self esteem, I always thought negative about myself. So, when I met her she made me feel special. I held onto every word she spoke, I remember everything about her. She was like a walking God to me. I can't even tell you why. You know how when you get this feeling that something is just...right? That's how it felt. Despite the rumors I heard, the way I looked at myself, and the way it played out, I still went along with it. I wanted her to look at my the same way I looked at her. I was in love with her before she even know it. I thought about her everyday, wishing and hoping that one day there would be an US. It came and I swear on my life I never felt so loved in my entire life. I felt perfect. Just looking at her made me so happy. I held onto every kiss, every hug, every moment with her....was everything to me.

I feel like my whole life is crushed. I keep trying to think that it doesn't matter and that her and i can just go back to being friends. I'm trying to get over it. It's so hard. I can't even hear her name without my heart hurting. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up for a long time. Nobody knows how bad it hurts. I wish I could go back and forget about my feelings for her. How many nights can you possibly cry yourself to sleep until you run out of tears? Somebody please help me.