I made a new layout for my blog! Maybe this will give me the desire to actually blog about what's been going on in my life.
Thank you Mara for helping me with a few tweaks here & there.
Overall, I really love the layout. It's nice, but not finished.
There's still minor adjustments that need to be made.
Bear with me.
Until next time....
at 11:21 PM
Getting scholarships is a good ay for free money to pay for an education. I'm very inclined to get some free money somewhere along the way. I have decided to attend Bellevue University. They have a vigorous program, where you earn your Bachelor's degree in 3 years instead of a whopping 4+ year span. Cool, eh? Yeah, I think so too. Anywho, i started to fill out scholarship apps today. I have ONE complete and turned in. I won't know until April if I get randomly chosen for the scholarship, but at least I have some type of motivation for this project. I'm really sick of high school, and I kind of just want to jump the gun and it college. Is that absolutely weird? I kind of think it is, but my college recruiter has gotten me so FREAKIN excited for college that I almost can't stand it. She's amazing. I honestly think if it wasn't for her that I probably wouldn't be half as excited. She didn't sugar-coat ANYTHING, and she definately didn't just tell me what I wanted to hear to choose Bellevue.
All I know is that I'm ready for a change! want to do a lot of different things with my life, and I plan on starting with college. :)
On another note- I'm SUPER eager to get into decorating my room. I recently found out that I enjoy that type of stuff.
Let me know if you have any ideas about how to start me out on this.
at 9:14 AM
Everything lately has been...i dunno. First, it seems so amazing and then in the blink of an eye seems so overwhelming.
I took my ACT on Saturday. It was just as I had expected. I drove for the first time alone to & from school to take it. Speaking of driving, I've been driving alot lately. Everywhere I go, it seems like my mom is making me rive. I hated it at first, but now I love it. I can't wait to get a car and start driving, but I don't know when that will happen because I don't have money for that. I'm so jealous of some of my friends who have AMAZING cars. I don't even have a permit! It sucks, bad. Lately, I've been hanging out alot with the people I love. Including Jessica! Last Thursday we hung out. We carved pumpkins =] It was super fun. I love her. She's amazing, but I'm SURE that I have already mentioned that in a blog before. =] Anywayyyysss. It's starting to get super cold out lately. I hate that. I haven't even decided what type of winter coat I want. I need one, but I don't want to spend alot of money. I don't even know where to go to get one =[
Another thing is my Kanas City trip! I've been really excited about that. REALLY EXCITED! But now I learned that I've gotta have certain clothes to wear and I don't have those certain clothes. UGHHHH.
I'm tired of typing...
at 9:49 AM
HEY! This is almost the cutest picture EVER. I had an awesome day yesterday. I went and chilled with Rachel & Bekka. For some reaosn, it was cool. I don't want to say too much about WHYI didn't think I was going to enjoy it, but I really, and I mean REALLY, didn't think it was going to suffice for spending my time outside of school. that's really harsh, but it's so true. Anyways, we went to drop off this paper for Rachel at her work. She works at the zoo. I ind ofo think that is an amazing job, but I guess she only works at the gift shop, so I'm not sure. We went and had pizza, after not knowing what to do for so long. It was cool. We continued the God preach-y type of talk. It was still amusing, nonetheless.
God is good. I refuse to let that idea slip from my mind again. It's like...how can people take so much for granted? How can the person who created you in the essence be completely lost and forgotten. HOW can someone who has done so much so effortlessly be put somewhere on your priority list, besides number one? It's confusing, yet I find ways to redeem myself in excuses. I've always been Christian, never attended church, and cannot repeat even a PART of a bible verse for you. Does that tell you enough? Church, God, bibles, and ect were NOT part of my lifestyle.
I've been having this problem. This ANIMAL problem. this ladybug and bat kind of problem. The other night marks the fourth time that I've had an actual bat fly around in my room while I was lying in bed. WHY?! I thought we found where they were getting in, but I guess we really didn't. So, I've come to the conclusion that the only reason they feel the need to hang around my room is because my room is the attic. NO, not the typical dusty attic with creaking floors & junk like that. I'm not too sure about why the ladybugs are around, though.
at 9:11 AM
Looking back, I don't think I ever really appreciated how much Jessica means to me. I mean....I DID, but I don't think I ever REALLY realized it. Jessica Breeden is an amazing person. She's not judgemental, she's sweet, honest, and a good friend. She's pretty much one of the type of people you NEED in your life. I never realized how long she's been there for me. We got into one fight, over something really silly. It hurt me really bad, because I shouldn't have treated her that way. She doesn't talk behind your back, doesn't judge who you are, and isn't materialistic. She's one of my better friends that I have. I always know that she is going to be there for me. I've never really needed to talk to her, in a desperate menner, but I know that if I did she wouldn't judge me and she would probably do her best to make me feel better. I want her to know that I'm here for her. No matter what I'm doing, and what you're doing- I'm only a call away. It doesn't matter if it's late, summer, ten years from now, or if I'm not even on talking terms with her- I will always be someone she can fall back on.
at 8:00 PM
I spent my night with my mom. Yeah, it was fun. We have been at Walmart for like 5 hours! It's fun going when it's super late. =]
Anyway, I didn't get much accomplished there except for the fact that I got a new Chris Brown poster, penpal stationary, anddd some FISH!
at 2:08 AM
I'm not going to use this time to sit up here and post a lame post. I usually try not to post some lame stuff on the contrary, but I want this post to be unusually special. I want people to really set aside thier pride & thoughts on EVERYTHING and then read this. It might make you realize some things, or not. But here it goes...
I lost a friend last week, but gained more. I lost Scott Tunstall. We all lost him. BUt tonight, I gained an already tremendous love for God. I gained the closure that I longed for with Scott. I gained a new realization with a friend of mine. I gained almost the most precious gift you could honestly get from life- the gift of not taking things for granted.
It doesn't matter where I got all of this inspiration, but I will in fact go into detail about the source later. What I learned tonight, I already had inside me, I just needed a few guiding words to help move my realization along. Scott was taken from us, but it was what was supposed to happen. God places each one of us on this earth as a guide, a guide to people. God's intentions for us are to be a guide and teach one thing to each individual we come into contact with. What did Scott teach me? Scott taught me that there's never any reaosn to not put a smile on someone's face, he taught me that our teenage generation as a whole needs to come together, he taught me that life is short, and he also taught me that walking through life isn't easy.
Enough of that ever-so-deep discussion & onto a little less deep topic...
Tonight I also realized alot about friendships. Even though sometimes friendships seem like they are one thing- theyare really another. I have a few people in my life, who I really wish to keep there. I think today I really spent my whole day with TWO people that mean more to me than I even expected. Both are good friends, but are becoming more than just good. It took me some time to realize that just because some peoples' friendships look perfect, they really aren't. It's been a rough senior year for the most part, but all in all- I've learned something in every situation that's been put in front of me. Learning the hard way leads you to REALLY learning what is supposed to come out of the situation.
at 9:39 PM
I'm sorry that I have to keep referring back to the death of Scott, but all in all that's basically what's been going on with the people around me, school, and myself. I still don't know how to keep my emotions under control about the situation. It's scary. I used to be okay with death, but now I'm not. I really can't even describe how I feel. I used to think that death was scary, and then I realized that it was a part of life, but now.....now I'm scared. I'm scared of how people will mourn and be hurt when I die. I'm scared of how death will be. It hurts to know that eventually I will have to be the person that people mourn.
Looking back at my relationship with Scott, I now know that people take each other too granted way to quickly. People don't realize how much another human being ACTUALLY means to them. I never knew Scott's favorite color, his favorite song, or even that he had a brother. What I do realize is that even though I didn't know any of those things about him, I still cared about him. He still brought a smile to my face EVERY SINGLE TIME I seen him. He was an amazing individual. I know that after the mourning of Scott, people will remember everything good about him. Unknowingly, we took the news tat he had committed suicide with harshness. The whole school mourned over what happened. It ruined Homecoming night, the weekend, and even shattered lives. Nobody knew he was sad. Nobody knew that he had a problem or that he was thinking about taking his life. NOBODY! How can someone so popular with the people around him have such issues and NOBODY have a clue?! It disgusts me that these rumors of a certain female LAUGHING about his death are being spread & that she is okay with that- making it apparent that these rumors ARE nothing but truth. She was supposed to be his friend. She was supposed to have known he was going to do it, but if that was the case, WHY didn't she mention it? Why didn't she try to help him? WHY didn't she tell someone? Anything at all would have sufficed for him taking his own life.
Looking around at all the people who are hurt by this loss, makes me realize that our student body- is more united than we thought. It almost brings me a slither of happiness to know that Scott was cared for by so many people, so many different people at that.
I really have so much more to say, but honestly don't know which words to use. I need to think about it more, but THEN I will return- again with another post reguarding Scott because I know this isn't the last one.
at 9:08 AM
This day has been incredibly unfabolous. Late for school, rain, & messed up phone. I don't even feel like I have anything WORTH blogging about.
I have too much homework & SHIT to do.
I got my first penpal letter EVER.
at 9:28 AM
I swear to God! If these aren't the yummiest things I've ever had in my life! I swear. They are really good. Really. Like, I cannot even explain it. Eat one. Now!
at 9:58 AM
I really don't know why, but this picture makes me smile. Maybe it's because of all of the grim & bad things that have been occuring lately. I'm not sure, but I'm glad that someone is happy. Everyone at school has been really dreary today, but considering the circumstances, I understand. I've been hearing all of these rumors aout Scott and other people associated with him. It kind of sucks, but at the same time how else do you expect the people who knew him to mourn? Today, at the begining of the day, teachers were obliged to read a "statement", assumingly it's from higher staff memeber ie: principal, vice principal, ect. The statement basically said what happened & that they wanted us to refrain from talking about it & that counselors were available. Pretty much what students already knew. Why would you, or should you make a big deal out of something that we were already aware of? Yeah, it makes me feel better that our school is actually caring & in-tune to what's going on, but that "statement" was for one too late & for too unnecessary.
at 8:37 AM
Scott, you will be forever missed. I can picture the last time I saw your face. You were wearing a white shirt. You came up to me in the hallway & said "hey baby", laughing I pushed you away with a quick "You're crazy Scott". As I type this, I'm sad. Sad because you seemed so happy. Sad because nobody knew you were hurting. Sad because OBVIOUSLY you felt you had nobody to to turn to. I'm sad because I miss you. I'm angry because nobody saw this ocming. I'm angry because it was selfish of you in a way to leave all of these people behind, broken & hurt. Your little brother, your mom, your friends....How many people do you think are going to just "get over" the fact that you took your own life? NONE. Even though I don't understand why you did it, I respect your decision. I just want you, Scott, to know that I love you. I miss you already. To walk down the hallways & see all of those broken people hurts. To sit in a classroom that's usually full of laughter & jokes, now dead silent- kills. It hurts me to know that your now gone. Forever. Your life was cut short. You weregoing to be 18 soon. You had so much potential and so much life. It hurts my heart to know that you, of all people, were unhappy. I cried. I cried because I didn't help you. I cried because I didn't know you were sad. I cried because another one of my friends are gone. I will be attending your funeral. I want you to watch over us, all of us who are missing you. I wish I could understand why you walked out on us. Look at how many people cared for you. I just wish I knew why.....
Scott A. Tunstall Jr.
at 7:40 PM
I just learned that February 13th is the day where most people comit suicide.
at 10:32 AM
I really wasn't too satisfied with this homecoming. I would have rather been home, or at work. I liked getting ready & seeing everyone out of thier element, but seriously it was NOT worth the money I spent. Let's run it down, a little.
* Nails: $42.00
* Dress: $70.00
Seriously...all of that money could have been spent on other things, not that it would have been more important than homecoming expenses, but you get it....
Anyways, homecoming was nice, besides the abd new that I got. I'll post a seperate blog for the bad news. Anyway, the night went like this....
First off, I woke up at my cousins' house. I went home around 4 o'clock to start getting ready. I didn't spend money on hair or make-up, I just used my cousin for that! :) She did my hair & make-up making me look all pretty. I left the house with her & my boy cousin around 7:30. We went to the Burger King drive thru. Then we went to the Omaha North High School parking lot. I seriously thought I was in the parking lot of a strip club! I knew that homecoming was for dressing in short dresses, but I didn't know that short shorts & skin tight leggings counted as actual ensambles. It almost made me throw up in my mouth. Anyway, went to the dance, took some pictures, critiques a bunch of females' dress picks, & did all the usuall stuff you do at an event like that. Then I got the bad news...... As shocking as it was, I couldn't let it ruin my night- just yet. I played it off like I was cool, trying to forget what someone had just told me. It was hard, but I found Rachel George & I made it happen! I took some pictures, talked with her & her boyfriend, and then it was time to go. I hadn't made any actual plans for after homecoming because the usual homecoming scene is parties, drugs, and teen drinking. None of that is me, at all, so I decided to just go home where I belonged. I had work the next day anyway, so it was pretty much the better choice to go with. And then the bad news sunk in...
PS: Hopefully, the homecoming pictures will be available on my Myspace & Flickr.
at 10:21 AM
So....I'm not going to be working six days a week, like I recently thought. That's definately okay with me, but there was some other things going on with work though.
Last Tuesday was my little brothers' birthday. My mom wouldn't let him have his cake, gifts, ice cream, ect until I got off of work. It was slow at work, so I didn't feel the need to stay at work until eight, when I could leave at 6:30. So, that's exactly what I did. I left at 6:30, unknowingly that I would ALMOST lose my job. Anyways, my manager almost fired me because I left, which is really stupid because I don't do anything wrong, I've had the same job for almost 2 years, and I've only had one raise the WHOLE time! What kind of shit is that?! So, I was really pissed off when my other manager told me the plans of the first asshole manager. My nicer of the two managers saved my job! He stepped in & wrote me up instead of letting me get fired, which is extremely nice of him, but at the same timje I just want to quit. Like, seruiusly, there's so many other employees thatdo worse than what I do. It pretty much disgusts me ebcause why would he all of a sudden just want to fire me?! Anyway, I still have a job, and an asshole for a manager. Moving along....
at 9:36 AM
There's really no reason as to WHY I stopped blogging, I just got busy....I guess. Alot has been going on, & I plan on telling it all as soon as I get time. There's been so much going on. It's really crazy. School, work, and home has all been CRAZY! I'm going to use seperate posts to that I can get some LENGTH out of it all...
This is just an actual UPDATE post. Seriously. I've been behind in everything, including uploading homecoming pics & ect.
-goes to new post-
at 9:33 AM
It's hard for me to imagine that college is right around the corner. Today, I set up an appointment to go and tour Bellevue University. I don't know too much about Bellevue, but I do know that the lady that has spoke to my class a few times & thats called me is really nice and very interesting. I hope that I get her as my tour guide. I'm also going to be attending an informational meeting while I'm there. I'm just really excited, nervous, and scared. I want to do good on my ACT, but I'm really not that smart.
ALl I know is that next Thursday, I will be going to see what Bellevue University has to offer!
at 8:19 PM
Today was my kid brother's birthday. He is so amazing. I honestly couldn't live without him. I can't even believe he's turned 12 today! JEEZ! Here's something I wrote for him...
If you cannot read the letter, put this URL into your browser:
All i can begin to say is that NONE of you have a sibling half as awesome as mine. No matter what anybody says, he will always be the best brother, in my eye. Nobody can compare to him. He means more than the world to me. More like the world plus the stars,and then some. I wish you guys could geing to understand how special he is to me, but you cannot. You will never be able to realize how much I c are about him. He's the only person I trust with my whole self, besides my best friend. He never makes fun of me or my ideas, never critisizes my singing, and never hurts my feelings. I love everything about him, and I wouldn't change him for the world.
More photos of us can be found in the links below.
MY flickr stream.
at 7:13 PM
Today is the three month anniversary of Mike Driggers, my friend. I miss him alot & still cannot forget the way he looked as he layed in his casket. I wish I never looked at him that way, because that wasn't the way I wanted to remember him. I still miss you Mike, theres no day that I don't think of you. I cry alot, still. I wish you didn't have to go, but I know you are in a better place. I love you.
Today has been an okay day, besides the fact that there was a fire alarm first thing when I got to school, my best friend is being weird, AND today is the three month anniversary of my friends death. Other than all of that, I'm okay. I don't have a ride after school though since sarah is leaving. Great right? Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I feel like school has just been so bland and boring lately. I'm excited about this week, but in a sense, I'm not. I don't have plans for after homecoming, I don't even know if I want to go because I don't have plans. I know I don't want to go straight home, that would be really dumb considering it's my senior year. I also don't know what I'm going to do on Friday because it's my cousin Cassie's party. All of a sudden my job wants me to work Friday's because I requested Saturday off. I really didn't think this would happen because usually ig I request a day off they don;t add a day! It sucks.
at 7:39 AM
Dear Corrie Brown,
I'm definately sorry for how I acted. My feelings were just a little hurt at how your friends just got on my commenta bout the cigerettes. I really had no reason to be angry at you, I guess I just needed someone to take it out on & I felt like you were the one to be the victim. I'm really sorry. I want to get back on talking terms with you. I miss you and our snacks, and being addicted to blogger & social vibe together during school hours, and talking, and creative writing class when you fall asleep & don't know what's going on, and Flemming's class when the ghetto people do stupid things like get all mad & call the teacher a bunch of curse words. I miss you. I love you Corrie Brown.
at 6:27 PM
SO, when I went to go see Nick & Noar's Infinite Playlist, there was a rather HILARIOUS commercial. The comercial was for Axe Chocolate Scented Spray. Now, don't get me wrong, the idea of Chocolate scent on a man, is nothing short of fruity. I did happen to run across the commercial while on youtube.
I think the video is super funny, especially when the girl takes a big bite outta his chocolate ass & then when he rips his nose off to sprinkle chocolate bits on thier ice cream cones. <33
Anyway, this post isn't just about chocolate axe spray. It's also about racism in a few different forms & fashions.
First off, theres people in the world who constantly add racial issues to their daily lives. It's kind of hard to explain, but there's this kid that I have in one of my classes. At first, I thought the kid was cool. He can dress his ass off & he always has really adorable shoes. Aside from him thinking that he's God's gift to every woman's vagina, he didn't seem like there was much wrong with him. Now, I had already heard much about this kid, and even seen him around the school. As we got into discussions within the class, I learned alot about him within a short amount of time. I learned that I really cannot stand this guy. Everything he says is either about men being superior to women or about white people, in a sense. He's like subliminally racist. I don't mind if you are racist, because that's YOUR perogitive, but it comes to a certain point where you just sit and stare at him thinking "What in the hell in this kids issue"? I don't know, it just bugs me. It's like he always has something to say, but it's never in favor of women or any other race besides black people. I don't know if I just can't stand racist people, or if I just can't stand the fact that he's racist & sexist, both against my kind, white & female.
Another issue at hand is: inter-racial relationships.
I really just want some other peoples perspective on this issue. I find myself more inclined to black boys, whether or not that's my preference or that just being who persues me. My mom has an issue with this, not because she DISLIKES black people in general, but because she was brought up to think that inter-racial relationships weren't okay. I really don't know what to say about all of this, all I know is that I'm going to soon be 18, and I don't want to have to disobey my mom. My mom and I have a strong bond. I tell her everything from the fights I get into with friends, to what happened each and everyday at school. It's hard being so close, but having to hide stuff, or just the thought of having to hide things. I just don't know...
at 8:15 PM
Today was an okay day. There was actually alot going on, with my friends and stuff. It sucks because Corrie & I aren't talking. I really don't even know why, though, but at the same time it's just like whatever. I know that I shouldn't have REALLY gotten upset about what happened, but I did. OH well...Moving on...
I went to see Nick & Nora's Infinate playlist tonight with Will. That movie <33. Jesus, that movie was funny. I don't want to spill ANY beans with this movie, just go and see it. Seriously.
I have to work tomorrow, which isn't really in my plans, but you gotta do whatcha gotta do. I'm super excited about homecoming, even though I still don't have plans on afterwards....
at 10:43 PM
If you haven't heard of Keisha White or her AMAZING voice, please watch the video below.
I recently started a youtube account, and not that any of you know, but i can sing.
So this song is definately one that im going to learn.
i NEED to sing it to you wonferful people :)
at 1:28 PM
That's pretty much how I feel.
I really don't care if you like my shoes, how I talk, how I do my hair, or even ME for that matter.
I really just don't care.
I don't care about friends, parents, people in general, ANYTHING.
I honestly don't care about it.
Honestly, I can't see how your outlook can change from day-to-day, going form "OMG, I love that girl. She should be my best friend" to "I cannot believe that I really thought the BS was really not going to be there with her."
All in all, there's a lot to me, that people don't even know.
Disgustingly, I have to figure out who I am and who I honestly want in my life.
This post is really not meaningful because nobody will know how my demeanor has really changed unless you really pay attention to me. Half of you don't, so this post will be meaningless to you.
There's a few people that will probably read this post and feel offended, or some other negative emotion. Why do you feel this way? Because this post is a stab at you, pointed in your direction. Simple as that.
at 9:09 AM
I think that I never used to be superficial.
I liked having things, but never did it mean much to me because I wanted things money couldn't buy.
Now, the things money can't buy are pointless.
Everyone stabs you in the back.
People always have things to say, and ways to hurt your feelings.
It sucks that you can never really know who honestly has your back until it's far too late.
Senior year I have lost friends.
Honestly, I knew this was going to happen.
I knew senior year was going to be a bump in the rod.
A stick in the mud.
I really didn't know it was going to be like THIS.
I guess you live and you learn.
I know now, that the only thing I will ever put my trust, honesty, and faith in is my money.
That never fails me.
at 8:56 PM
Seriously, if you want to smoke your life away- be my FUCKING guest.
I really don't care, but come one now, over myspace people really have things to say?
That's super funny.
Instead of egging your friends on, you should really check yourself in somewhere for practically telling your friend to kill herself.
Great job, assholes.
Seriously, don't ever ask me for any type of conversation, advice, or even a glimpse at you. Stupidity is something I knew basically all the teenage bitches I know lacked. Yeah, Bitches.
Everyone has something to say, but can never address you as a person? Seriously. You're wack and so is the next TRICK who has some shit to say.
at 8:45 PM