It's goodbye for 2008. Everyone is making it seem like they are going to transform into a whole new person, within only a few hours. That's all good and dandy that you want to make resolutions and shit, but half of you won't even follow through. Everyone does it, so why continue to act like all of a sudden you will change into this OH SO MUCH GREATER THAN IN 08 type of person. Not likely to happen.

Anyway, the point of this blog being is just to post. I guess since everyone else is all excited to "change" and shit, I might as well just jump on the last post band wagon.

2008 was pretty traumatic for me.

I won't talk about it because 2009 will be here soon.
There's no need for a pity party.


See you in 2009.
Good luck to all you guys with your resolutions.



I got Photoshop on my laptop & shit. Now, I kind of cannot stop photoshopping. I made this:

I'm not like...super good or anything, but ya know! I'm working on it.


Here's the deal guys... I have a lot of time on my hands, so I wanted to start a new blog.

Not in place of this one, but as ANOTHER addition.

I want a blog to post pictures up of the shoes I buy or get. I mean, sure my internet alias is, miss feedmekicks, but I want to kind of set that a part from my actual blogging. I know on Myspace I constantly get this "let's talk about shoes" type of conversation, and it's not that I have an issue with that- I just really want people to know that there is more to me than just shoes.

So, with this new blog i want it to just be about my shoes. That's it. I don't want to mix this blog with that one, and ect ect. I want them to be seperate. I dunno. I was going to start making a layout for it tonight, but I decided against it ebcause I don't have a name for my blog. I want something short and sweet. I was brainstorming, but if you have any ideas that correlate to the whole feedmekicks concept, then just leave your idea in a comment PLEASEEEE.

I was thinking along the lines of...




I really don't know. I want somethin unique. Please help meeeeee



So, I was really going to blog about how crative and fucking smart Asian people are, but I really don't want to say any certain shit that will offend the Asian people. Um....So, I guess I won't.

Well, lemme just point out that Asians are like the smartest people EVER. Like if it wasn't for Chine, the fucking US would have like ZERO goods. Seriously. And like, every smart, funny, or fucking talented person on YouTube, is a FUCKING ASIAN! Like....FORREAL! I guess it kind of caught my attention with first Shantae's (theclicheblogger.blogspot.com) post about her Asian Christmas, then it was this YouTuber's video about Asian Christmas gifts or whatever (youtube.com/communitychannel), and then was lurking around and found like 20348920 make-up guru type people who were all Asian. Not to mention that Lizzy (slowjamtherapy.blogspot.com) and Shantae (theclicheblogger.blogspot.com) are both super creative and smart. Like..power to the Asian's. Fareal.

But like, no hatred towards the Asian people. I guess I'm a little envious because like....what are white people good at?

=| Yeah, I couldn't think of anything either....



Lately, I've been on my Tynisha Keli groupie status more than ever.

It's amazing how there's people who come from nothing to something. Tynisha has been struggling in the music game for about 10 years, been in foster care, lost her father at a young age, recently lost her younger brother, and has been in the hoods of MA all her life. I always get a kick out of seeing someone who is coming up in life, when it's tough as hell! Anyways, her voice is nice, she's a beautiful girl, and she's humble. Her story is quite the tale. I cannot wait to hear how her album actually turns out. It should be dropping in January. Keep a look-out for that.

So, in all good fun, I was bored and decided to make this....

I love it, even tho it is simple.
You CAN click it to see it better. the chronicles of tynisha keli is the title of her album, BTW.


It's almost a little funny, but not so much. It's basically pretty much a waste of time. For those of you who actually have a youtube channel that you post videos on, do you have the same "random users with no pic/video leaving hateration comments" problem as me? What makes it even worse is that, if you comment my videos telling me how ugly, fat, stupid i am- then please tell me WHY THE HELL YOU COMMENT ON MORE OF MY VIDEOS?! I absolutely don't understand. The comments really don't phase me at all, but it's just annoying. Like, how do you really have the audacity to type some shit about someone who isn't even interested in what your no video having ass has to say, and then do it to all the vids? You're a creeper. Plain & simple.



I hope everyone has/had a wonderful holiday.
I hope everyone got what they wanted and GAVE to some people as well.
and I hope that nobody's family got into fights, arguments, ect.

Mine didn't.
And I most definately will have to mark that on the calendar.

Anyways, have a good one.



Now, don't get it twisted- I dig Beyonce to the fullest. I adore her new cd set, but are all single ladies divas?

Diva - Beyonce

Above is the new Beyonce, Diva video. Now, if I'm not mistaken, are those the same two hoodrats from the Single Ladies vid? The whole mannequin & nice shades was a flick of the creative wand, but BITCH YOU CANNOT USE THE SAME STICK FOR EVERY VIDFEO!

=| Seriously. This chick has so much more creativity in her, which is why it's hard for me to understand why her videos are starting to drag. OH & BTW, isn't the whole fire blowing up scene the same shit that was in the Crazy In Love video?

I'm just saying....

I guess a diva is another word for uncreative.



To see things that choke you up, and almost bring tears to your eyes absolutely sucks. I ran across a certain Myspace page, a page of a young dude who passed away. Ironically, I cannot figure out HOW he passed, nor do I want to make any misleading judgements, but I do believe it was gang related issues. That is NOT the reason for me writing this post.

If you read the clipping, you will notice that this Taz dude had a few siblings, Tynisha being one of them. Tynisha Keli, a R&B singer, if you didn't already know.

It almost hurts ME to see what people like her go through. It's like, you never think it could get worse. I lost one of my friends, but she lost her brother! Someone that she grew up with, someone who she could always talk to, and someone that came to the same household every night and had that certain bond. If I lost my brother, I don't think I could live. I don't think that I would be able to handle that. It hurt me to read some of the comments left on this dudes page. It's miraculous how loyal people are. I'm going to drop you guys the link to his page.


You guys don't take life for granted. Don't take the people in your life for granted. Don't live your life not telling the people you care for that you love them. You might just loose someone that means the world to you. The experience is rough and it hurts.



Tonight, I went into my photobucket albums, and realized that there's too many old memories in there. I deaded Autmn from my life, so there's no need to have her on my friends list, pictures, or number in my phone. I deleted it all. I deleted her from my Myspace, all the pictures of us, and even her numbers. I kind of felt weary about deleting the pictures, because those hold memories or my teenage life. I did what I had to do. I;m not here to dwell on what never was, and what couldn't have been. There's no use in me trying to play the role and make excuses for her, saying she was a good friend and whatnot. Because she wasn't. Which was exactly the problem. If she was a good friend, she'd still be around. But enough of that...

I also cleaned out osme older pictures of me, my other friends, and even pets that I used to have. It's crazy how different I looked. I've changed a lot, just over the past year. Imagine me last November, which was exactly a year and a month ago, I had no piercings with long hair. And now... shits crazy.

Here's a prime example of how often I changed.

Here's sophmore year with jessica.

Then here's begining of junior year with jessica.

Now here's senior year with jessica, on my 18th birthday.

All in all, Jessica has been around for my whole high school experience. I wonder if she thinks I've changed?



Have you ever had someone around you that couldn't appreciate what they have for the life of them? They have so much, but still keep asking and asking. Sadly, they still keep receiving! Like...God! Can you fucking give me some shit to! Seriously.

It doesn't erk me because the people are like...fortunate, or whatever choice word you want to use. It pisses me off because they are so fortunate, yet still keep asking for more. They get what they want, are satisfied for a short while, and then they need something else.

I can't stand shit like that. I'm sorry, but life is about way more than always getting what you want.




I mean, that's IF you can find it.


tonight, Alex and I tried to go ice skating. Now, don't get me wrong, it was like cold as shit and shit but I was still trying to go! I've only been ice skating ONCE. Plus, I haven't chilled with her in a WHILLEEEEE.

Anyways, we couldn't find it. It sucksed.
But I am wearing my new Senior Gear.



I still get a kick out of this.
Like....Why? It's uber cute, yo!



All I have to say is...WOW.


Most of the people who I know that blog, are also tied into YouTube. YouTube is always fun and entertaining, but there's always a catch to something that seems so great. How many times have you jumped on YouTube and AUTOMATICALLY found an amazingly funny video? A video that tickles your fancy so much that you watch it 2 and 3 times? It's hard to do that shit! I recently ran across an actual blog that can help you, if you have this problem.

The Vlog Blog.

The above link, is a link to a blog. The whole point to this blog is to actually GIVE you videos that are worth watching. The two ladies that run the blog are really funny, and go through a lot, because we all know how hard it is to sift through the wack videos and find great ones. That's exactly what they do. They always have great videos to show you, with the Youtubers link and a short review about the channel. Check out this blog!

ANNNNDDD for the first time EVER, I actually tried singing on YouTube. I know I messed up and stuff, but hopefully it's okay.

You can visit my YouTube for more videos of myself.



Have you ever been at a point in your life where people just keep telling you things that you don't want to hear?
Have you ever had people tell you things, yet you felt they were completely wrong?

Two of my aunts are mad at my mom now. They are mad because I GUESS I'm "out of control". YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
I am the farthest away from out of control that anybody could get.

I'm sick of people trying to tell me how the fuck I should live my life.
STFU & take care of yourself or your kids for that matter. Stop trying to tell me who I should be, what I should do, and how I should fucking act. If you don't like it, that's an issue that you've got to deal with PERSONALLY.



I'm so excited for Friday to come.
I CANNOT wait. You guys DO NOT understand how ready I am to be done with school.
I don't want to leave my friends though. And I know that once I leave, a lot of people will forget about me.

It's gonna be tough, but I'll manage. I can't be close with everybody.
Ahhh, well.

PS: I need to change my fishes water.
It looks like they are swimming in apple juice.
I know that sounds bad, but the only reason I haven't changed it os because it's for thier own good.

It's been so cold outside, I didn't want to switch thier water and then have the water not heat up to the right temperature.
Another thing, I am really proud of myself. i have been trying to keep my room clean, which is beyond the norm for me.



So, yesterday was my freakin birthday!
I turned 18.

I pretty much spent my day with Rachel & Jessica.
I feel kind of bad for how I treated both of them at the end, but I think they understand how I felt.
I love these girls.

I'll post pictures up later, I guess.
Here's a video of me getting my 12th piercing.
You can do stuff like this when you turn 18.

Anyways, you can also visit my YouTube channel.

Here's a few posts that were dedicated to me.

Rachel's Post.

Kidd Brother's Post.

Anyways, here's what my piercing looks like today.



I'll blog about it tomorrow, I think.

Until then, enjoy this picture of me.

Yeah, I got my lip done.


PS: I already had my monroe, if you DIDN't already know.



This shit is like....OD funny. Like, when I first seen it- I almost PISSED my pants. Seriously.
Watch it TEN times. NOW



SO, I know that I'm nowhere near innocent when it comes to being totally original. What I can say is that, I've also came up with things on my own & have had people take it upon themselves to use my shit. I know I can sit here and rant all day about Myspace and the people on there. Like I said- I AM NOT INNOCENT.

I've had my music player hidden on my page for...a while now. The other day, I took my DIV layout off and let everything be visible. I thought that stealing pictures, text, and songs was overrated already. I guess not.

I've had my profile music player visible for about 3 days, and I go to somebodys page. Somebody that I know in person, along with my little brother. She added a song from my music player. I wasn't mad at first. Then I seen that she had added another one of my songs. A song that I haven't seen on anyone elses page. WHY? I really don't understand. If you don't even know that song, why would you feel the need to steal it? I know I've dealt with a silly person stealing my pictures and other silly people stealing my about me sections and shit, but it's kind of old. and annoying not to mention.

So, I had to hide my shit.


SO, someone tell me why Usher just welcomed his second child on wednesday. I think there's something really wrong with this dude. Seriously. Tameka Foster isn't even cute! Like...WTFFF.

Anyways. My birthdya is in 3 days. Everyday I just keep getting more and more excited. Maybe it's just because I will finally be legal and stuff. Really, that doesn't matter because I don't do anything that I couldn't do if I wasn't legal. If that makes sense...

I cannot wait until December 19th. That will be my official last day of actual school. I'm going to be dong independant studies so I can just be at home all the freakin' time instead of getting up early and stuff.

Awesome right?

Yeah.....I know.



So, I got my new laptop. It's pretty spiffy. I just cannot get the webcam to work. It keeps telling me to plug in a video device. I don't understand because the webcam is built in. AHHHH! =[

What I'm really worried about is photoshop. I need it to live! :)

If anyone can help me out by giving me a serial code or anything to help me get it, I'd appreciate it.



You ever done something so unconsciously that you didn't even realize how harsh it would turn out? I did. I hurt my cousin. It sucks that I've got these "monster" tendencies that come from within me. I'm sorry. She knows who she is.

Below is a post from her:

i am having a hard time trying to figure out why there are so many people
around me changing. i know that change is good. also that it happens no matter if we want it to or not. the thing is that the people that are changing are people that i care about and i am related to. seems like the person that i once knew yesterday is not the same person that i am starting to notice. very recently i have been having a few issues with a cousin of mine. i do not know if it is just me being hard headed or infact if shes changing. this bothers me alot!!! first when i think about it i get sad. cuz we fight and argue through texts. then i get angry cuz i can not relate to her. i remember all to well what it was like to be 18. to have to live at home, work, go to school,the pressure of graduation. i hated my high school years. i knew alot of people-but didnt make alot of lasting freinds. sadley enough the people that i thought i could trust just fucked me over and washed thier hands of me in my 20's. i wish that i knew just what to say to make all her problems go away. i hope that in the near furture all of the stresses in her life vanish. and our relationship goes back to how it was. i miss it!!! i miss her.....

I hope she knows that I don't mean to hurt her. She means a lot to me and I look up to her. I don't look up to her just because she's my lovely cousin, but because she means a lot to me. She's a wonderful person inside and out & she's also tough. Stronger than I think I could ever be.



So, I'm no longer friends with Autumn. My best friend since 9th grade has now vanished from my life. I'mnot saying that her friendship wasn't already slowly dwindeling, but.. you get the point. Airing it out, just so I can feel better. Below is the ENTIRE conversation. I'm not even going to proof read it, and/or take anything out. This is what it is.

& don't act like you never read one of these. Bottom to top, you know the drill.

just remeber.
u didnt want to be my friend first.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: miss feedmekicks. [RIP: JMD & SAT] BDAY: 8 days.
Date: Dec 6, 2008 10:25 PM

with an attitude like that- fuck it.

smh. its cool tho.

no hard feelings, u did make your decision.

wrong again, miss autumn.

but ill do your fam a favor & stop tlaking to you since they hate me so much.



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [[autumn christine ♥]]
Date: Dec 6, 2008 10:20 PM

ur the one who didnt want to be my friend first
and u said i can do whatever i want so im making my decision.
and u helped me make it.
and u were an impotant part of my life u were my freedom when i had none but u initiated this fight into something bigger.
i might have started it, but it wasnt on purpose.
and ill never see u after high school anyways so why not just be friends now and avoid any pain in the futer.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: miss feedmekicks. [RIP: JMD & SAT] BDAY: 8 days.
Date: Dec 6, 2008 10:14 PM

no, i see your point.

but who was the one who stopped tlaking to me first?


honestly, you are missing out.
im one of the best people that will ever be in your life.

wait til you graduate. you will see what im talking about.

half the people you talk to now, wont b there for u.

when u dont got anybody to smoke a blunt with, drink with, or skip class with...somebody who aint got a ride or money...somebody who aint gonna tlak shit about u...

you will realize i was the one from the get-go.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [[autumn christine ♥]]
Date: Dec 6, 2008 10:11 PM

just cuz i dont initiate the conversation first dosent mean u cant.
and thats my point flat out.
if we were besties how come it was always a one way street until i talked to u first then we held a conversation.
do u see where im coming from.
we both have the option to talk to each other and neither of us took it and thats why were in a fight.
and thats both of our faults not just one person.
now u see my point.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: miss feedmekicks. [RIP: JMD & SAT] BDAY: 8 days.
Date: Dec 6, 2008 9:48 PM

i didnt threaten you autumn. you get yourself into enough things, i dont even have to waste my time and throw threats.

& i do see your point. i just feel like theres no excuse for how you been acting.

i feel like theres no point in me trying to talk to u, if u aint doing the same.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [[autumn christine ♥]]
Date: Dec 6, 2008 9:46 PM

i didnt and never did say i didnt do anything, i see ur point perfectly, but i could say the same thing for u.
but i dont want to make evrything an issue.
and u need to see where im coming from cuz i dont think u do.
and please dont threaten me its rude.
and u wudnt be feeling this way if u wud have come and talked to me when u started to feel like i was being a bitch. i cant read minds audrey. even if u were my best friend. and in my opinion im in my right mind. ive opened up my eyes. thats why ive decided we just need to be friends NOT besties cuz we have to many issues and we always fight and its just pointless. cuz im tired of the fights.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: miss feedmekicks. [RIP: JMD & SAT] BDAY: 8 days.
Date: Dec 6, 2008 9:35 PM

its funny how u just sit & think that you didnt do anything.

smh. if you talked & acted like a friend..i wouldnt be feelin this way.

but do u.

hopefully you get your mind right sooner than later.
id hate to see some fucked up things happen to someone ive cared about all this time.

when youre ready & willing to talk to me, trust me, and care about me the way i care about you- ill still be here to be your best friend.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [[autumn christine ♥]]
Date: Dec 6, 2008 9:33 PM

i didnt cause shyt there u go blaming me again FRIENDSHIP IS A TWO WAYY STREET AUDGE. and thats my point. and we BOTH GREW UP AND GREW APART. i dont think we have anything in common anymore with each other. and thats why im choosing to just be friends now. im done with the bestie fights its irritating and it gets old just remeber i wont forget our memories no matter what happens and ill always remember u. not even if we never talk again.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: miss feedmekicks. [RIP: JMD & SAT] BDAY: 8 days.
Date: Dec 6, 2008 9:26 PM

do what you want.

but reality check for your damn self: you caused all this & YOU are the one that changed.

i havent changed, i just grew up.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [[autumn christine ♥]]
Date: Dec 6, 2008 9:18 PM

u were th only person i knew at the time who had her number.
and i needed it excuse me if i got deperate. and put urself out there?? how do u think i feel u never tell me anything EVER u never do now and u never used to like i did u. and the whle chase thing is cuz chase hasnt changed and i know how hes gonna react to whatever i say and i dont ask u to stck up for me for whatever reason cuz reality check i dont care what a bitch says about me its prolly as fake as them.
so dont make that an issue. and also i try well tried to talk to u in class and u jsut come off to me as u dont care what i have to say so i tell skye cuz she listens and dosent ignore me. maybe we have grown apart and we dont need to be besties maybe we should just be friends cuz obviously being besties is causing more problems. and dont sit there and say skyes my best friend cuz after u im done with besties its juvenile and were growing up its pointless to have besties cuz after high school u dont see anyone anymore anyways.
cuz i dont want any bad blood between us so maybe we should just be friends. deal?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: miss feedmekicks. [RIP: JMD & SAT] BDAY: 8 days.
Date: Dec 6, 2008 9:05 PM

we both have changed since freshman year. i dont know how u can be scared to tell me stuff if im your best friend. it doesnt really matter. ive never judged you & i stay stickin up for you every time ppl say shit about you & you arent around.

& you just made my point clear. you keep it real with chase no matter what? but cant with me? yeah...see. its pretty much time to just let shit go. idk.

i never tell you anything anymore because you dont tell me things. i already knew u didnt tell me shit, so hey why would i put my self out there if u dont? makes no sense. im not gonna beg or kiss your ass to be my friend. & if i see that you arent being my friend, than im not gonna try.

& youre right. we dont got classes, but that means you should atleast try and talk to me in the class we do have. dont u think? idk. do what uw ant autumn. it doesnt matter. at semester i wont see anybody so i dont care.

& i blew up because u dont even txt me to talk, but you can text me and ask for some bitches number? THAT MAKES ALOT OF SENSE.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [[autumn christine ♥]]
Date: Dec 6, 2008 8:58 PM

well last time we talked lots u told me u only have 1 day off so sorry if thats what i thought u never tell me ur schedule so how am i suppose to know.
and u never tell me anything either or u hardly do just like me.
and i dont tell u all the details cuz u've changed lots scnce freshman year and idk how u will react to what i'd be telling u now and i really am kind of scared to find out and idk why?? [[and i know it dsent make sense but its hard to explain]]
so thats why i tell skye or chase cuz i keep it real with chase no matter what it is just cuz thats chase nd skye well she just listens and it just seems like she understands where im coming from. and i had no idea ppl were acting like that i mean it wasnt all just my fault like u make it seem like. i mean i dont see why i have to approach u first with sumthing i mean it goes both ways. and we have no classes so naturally we wont be around esch other lots.
i mean i have the opportunity just as much as u do to talk to each other. like i said i dont see why i have to start the convo first. u know. cuz u never come up to me and tell me anything like i used to with u. just out of the blue.
and i knew u were mad but i figured if u had an issue u would come to me and talk to me like we used too but u never did so i thought we were cool then u jsut belw up on me when i asked u for skyes number.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: miss feedmekicks. [RIP: JMD & SAT] BDAY: 8 days.
Date: Dec 6, 2008 8:43 PM

well for one, i have 2 days off of work. i do work alot, but i got things to do & i need to help my mom with bills. you dont even know my schedule to know when or when i dont work. the reason why i acted like i didnt care is because u would sit & tell me one story WITHOUT details autumn & then turn around and tell the same story to skye or chase or someone else with ALL details. that hurt ME because we are supposed to be "best friends". it hurts me to have ppl i barely know walk up to me & be like "why arent u & autumn friends? why dont u & autumn talk? why dont i ever see autumn around u?"

it took alot from me to finally say that i dont feel like u are my best friend. yeah, its possible that we can be friends by not talking alot, but why would we not talk alot when we have the opportunity to talk autumn? it just makes me think that you can and should have a better or different best friend.

i WANT you to have other friends, but i dont want to be neglected by you when you do. it seems like udont understand how i feel. after a while, i just didnt care anymore & i never said nanything to u about it.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [[autumn christine ♥]]
Date: Dec 6, 2008 8:37 PM

ok well im sorry for not talking to u a much as we used to and when i try to talk to u u act like im not there or u dont care what i have to say.
and u might not realize it but i do. and that hurts and that makes me sad how u can sit there and say u dont want to be my friend just cuz i dont talk to u that much.
and i put skye up there like that cuz i did what u wanted me too. if u notice i still have u up there and ur still on my page..and ok maybe i was a little mad. and u make it seem like i cant have other friends even if its not what ur intentions are. that is just what it comes off as to me.
and i hung out with her once and that was homecoming and thats cuz she had noone else to go with, and i had never hung out with her b4, ur always busy u say so urself its kind of hard to spend time with u in and out of school when u work alot and thats not ur fault, but u get what one day off, audge we dont live close anymore, so its gonna be harder to hang out. but u were real quick to just gve up on our friendship and thats why im mad cuz i love u audge and i never ment for it to seem like i hated u. but in my opinion we can be besties and not talk a lot cuz that just proves how strong our friendship is, but obviously it wasnt as strong as i thought.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: miss feedmekicks. [RIP: JMD & SAT] BDAY: 8 days.
Date: Dec 6, 2008 8:26 PM

no rachel isnt gonna be my new best friend. i really dont care whos best friend he is to be honest. but for someone who is still gonna keep me as thier best friend, you sure were quick to put skye up there. its not about who you talk to hun, its about you NOT talking to me. i never said uu couldnt have firends. and thats now what this is about autumn. dont turn it into something its not. i dont care if you talk to skye, thats cool that you do because shes my friend too. the problem i have is of you not talking to me. thats all.

and im not saying you are a bad friend. i never said that at all. hun, please dont put words in my mouth. but for some reason u can call, hang out, and everyhting else with her- but not me. seems silly. dont u think?

and thats good that you wanna keep whatedever you want on your page. im not saying you arent my best friend. you made it seem that way..

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [[autumn christine ♥]]
Date: Dec 6, 2008 8:18 PM

see now thats childish because im not blowing out of proportion like u audge.
first off if u werent so worried about me u wudnt be lookin at my page so hard.
and secondly a thought just occured to me...what about racheal is she gonna be ur new bestie?? cuz oh yea u talk to her just as much as i talk to skye maybe even more.
and also i dont know why u seem to think i talk to skye so much i actually dont talk to her outside of school, unlike u probly do with racheal. so i dont see how once agan its all my fault why were not besties when u made the same decisions i did.
u said urself u see her more than me so stop tripping and have her be ur best friend.
but that might be a problem cuz shees bekkas bestie too. so aww thats too bad.
and also after this semester i wont see skye or prolly talk to her cuz we have differnt classes.
and what about that one talk we had that no matter how much we talk to pther people well still be besties and not trip over it...huh??
oh maybe u forgot, so that just shows how good of a friend u are if u can forget something we talked about.
but oh no im the bad friend here.
so i just dont see how its all my fault and just wanted to clear that up and also ill keep whatever i want on my page cuz even if im not ur bestie ur still mine cuz im not about to forget and let go of all our memories idc how far we grow apart because that would be below me.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: miss feedmekicks. [RIP: JMD & SAT] BDAY: 8 days.
Date: Dec 6, 2008 7:41 PM

too bad you forgot to change your page.
make sure it says "my best friend is: skye mapes"

wouldnt wanna take too much credit from your friend =|




It's almost that time...

It's truely almost that time to actually start looking on to see the relationships with my friends and how they really are. I cannot tell you who to be friends with and/or who to hang with, but don't say some crazy shit just so it seems like you understand me. Don't say that you don't want a certain friend or you aren't close to that friend & they just don't know it UNLESS you mean it. There's a few of you, ONE I'm zoning in on, that say stuff like this. Claim that you are or aren't close to a person and thenact different. It's old. That's how you lose friends. Seriously.

I know I can't hog all the friendship out of you, but don't tell me that I'm your best friend and then act totally different.

That's shady.



I got my check stub last night.

and I was pissed after seeing it.
I mean, I know that I took days off & stuff to go out of town, but dannng.
I don't understand. Why does things like this have to happen to me?

I can't buy Jessica the present I wanted to get her for Christmas. She gets everything she wants. I don't know.

It makes me angry. I try to do nice things and it never works out.




I think it's ignorant how almost every young person thinks it's cool to drink and/or do drugs. It's really not even cool. The same thing I've been telling my friends for atleast 3 years now, they are now realizing.

"I recently found out that getting high isn't cool anymore"

ARE YOU SERIOUS?! It was NEVER cool. Why can't people just live life & have a good time without shit like alcohol & weed? It sucks that I have to distance myself from people just because they can't simply live life. It doesn't make any sense.



I am not motivated. I really don't care about this class. This class being creative writing, sucks right now. I can't even get enough energy to do the stupid ass book that I am supposed to be doing. I am missing like 2 other stories and I just don't know why the EFF I cannot get in the mood to write. It sucks, because I wanted to do good in this class. I really did. It was like...something to help me get more creative and stuff. Pretty much all I have done in this class is- made a new friend. Her name is Danielle. She's super cool. She's pretty too, like a lion. Whenever I think about her, I think about her lion hair picture on Myspace. She's got a lip piercing, which I absolutely love. I adore it! JEEZ.

Anyways, for some reason I feel like talking about Danielle. She's purty. :)

& I feel bad for Corrie because she needs this credit. we haven't been doing what we should in this class. It sucks.


I love Jessica. I cannot describe how much I enjoy her! She's super cool!

As if you guys didn't know, my birthday is in 12 days. I'm going to be 18, but besides that, Jessica got me a wonderful pre-gift. I know, I know. You are probably asking the same things as myself. WHAT THE HELL IS A PRE-GIFT FOR?! I guess it's just for fun. It's for making Audrey feel bad because Jess spent too much money! She got me some wonderful Victoria's Secret perfume & a shirt. <33


13 DAYS.

yeah, you read it right.

13 days until the big ONE-EIGHT.

I am super excited for tunring 18. It should be fun.

I'm planning a dinner. Dinner with Jessica & Rachel.

I hope it turns out okay. Even though, there's some kinks in the plan.


So, since I can't seem to add comments to my friends' blogs, (except Shantae's)I will leave the comments in my post. ha!

RACHEL: I know it's hard, and you can always count on me. I love you, and I can't sit here and say that I completely understand what you are going through because I don't, but what I do know is that I will be a friend to you no matter what. The situation with you & Stephen has to have some type of blessing in it, one way or another. I wish we could go visit that church guy again. He would make us feel better. It sucks seeing you sad. I hate it! I wish I could make you happy some-how. You looked super pretty with your purple-ish pink-ish eye shadow on today. * We laughed. I told you I would buy you 500 MAC blushes. PS: You guy's she's stealing my college funds! GOD DAMMIT! :)

JESSICA: I LOVE YOU TO DEATH! Thank you for being the amazing person that you are. You have done a lot for me and I definately thank you.



I'm more than proud to re-post this video.
I'm in it. :]

I've been kind of into the youtube thing lately, so if you have a channel or whatever the case may be, go ahead and look me up. My channel name is: feedmekicks


I'm sorry you guys. I can't shake it.
Every slow melody, every picture, every....every part of me misses him more than ever.
I really don't know what to do.
Today my cousin came over for thanksgiving.
He used to play poker every weekend with my grandma, a few other people, and mike.
Here's how the conversation went:

UNKNOWING COUSIN: So when are we gonna get up on another game of poker grandma?
GRANDMA: I don't know honey, I've been working a lot.
UNKNOWING COUSIN: I remember when Frog, Mike, and all of us used to play....

-awkward silence-

GRANDMA: Yeah, Mike was a good boy.

That hurt so bad.
All of these images ran through my head.
Seeing Mike with Artie that Thursday before he passed, hearing his laugh, watching him do gay shit. :)
It almost makes me cry. I wan the tears to come, in search of some....closure.
But I know it won't happen.
There will never be closure for this.

I miss him alot.


Sitting here, looking back over the past year, my life has went haywire. I lost people, gained friendship, and have grown into something even more beautiful that I can even imagine. I hope that each and everyone of you reading this can truly sit down and say that you are thankful for numerous things in your life. I'm thankful for waking up each day, thankful for having a loving family, and thankful for having a few true friends in my life. I know I haven't always done right, and I do regret it all, but people make mistakes. Don't make the mistake of not knowing what you are thankful for.

PS: I love and miss you Michael Driggers, Every day of my life.


I'm happy to see them doing so well. I never thought Nick and Mariah could or would end up married and such. Anyways, she appeared on the Ellen show. I think it's funny....


She's almost perfect. I hate it.



SO, you guys should by now know how insane my love for chris brown is. I was just browsing through the blogger updates from posts that I follow, & I read that Aubrey O'Day, formerly from Danity Kane, is prepping for her solo album. That does not surprise me much. SHe's a little bit all over the place for me. I could tell from the day she got picked that she was a person who would suck up fame quicker than she could blink & it would change her persona. It just sucks that she got the best of the limelight & turned out this way. There's alot of people who can sing,dance, act, ect and don't get the chance to go big. Anyways, best of luck to her!

I also read that Chris Brown is/has been working on his THIRD album, which makes me totally excited. I loved, loved, loved, LOVED, his first cd. I also have loved most of his leaked tracks that weren't featured on any albums. I do have his second cd, exclusive, and the bonus Forever Edition of Exclusive. I know that I felt he was a little all-over-the-place with Exclusive. I think it was just him finding his sound, for the most part. Anyways! I know that his third album will be titled, Graffiti. Cool huh? :)


I'm getting really SICK of people taking thier pity party out on me. I DO have a life. My life does NOT consist of trying to please other PEOPLE. I honestly hate that people always want me to feel bad for them and to make them feel better. How can I fucking do that when I got to figure out how to keep myself happy? There isn't just one person, but a few.

It's annoying. I'm not saying that I don't care, I'm saying that you can't just shove your issues on me and expect me to drop mine. Simple as that. I'm not trying to make it seem like I don't care about my friends and family, but what I'm saying is that your expectations of me exceed the boundaries! Please stop. You aren't there to help me when I've got isues so whythe FUCK should I sit & join in someone elses' pity party?

Exactly. I shouldn't. I'm not going to. I don't feel bad about it either. Simple as that.


I hope ALL of you guys who read my blog posts have a wonderful day tomorrow.

Anyways. I just realized how remedial today's society has become. Please tell me how we only have the brain capacity to come up with new "crank dat" dances? Why is there so many? I guess it's a little better that we are moving from that stage. Here's where our society lays now:

I'll pause while you continue laughing.

That makes me sad.



Rest in Peace Scott Allan Tunstall.

My friend Scott committed suicide on Saturday, October 11th. This was the same day as our senior Homecoming. Nobody knew. Nobody had any idea.

This post is NOT to bring up old memories, or make the blog seem "heavy". I just want to stress the fact that Scott would've been 18 years old today. Scott was a wonderful person from the get-go. He didn't have any problems with anyone, and was always laughing and being funny. I miss Scott and it makes me sad because he deserved to live a full life. There's nothing in the world that I wouldn't do, if I could just get to see Scott one more time and ask him why.

I miss you Scott. We ALL miss you Scott. Rest in the Clouds.

Scott Allan Tunstall Jr.
November 24, 1990- October 11, 2008.

On a lighter note, I am happy to be back from Kansas City. The trip was delightful, but I needed to get back home. I feel so much more relieved and un-stressed.

I also went to Borders and had a freakin' hay-day! I got the book, "A Child Called "It" ", and some other stuff. I recently read "The Kite Runner". If you haven't read it- please DO. It's an amazing book. I was going to buy the sequal, but it' only in hardcover. I don't want to pay 25 bucks for a hard cover. =[. There's also a movie to the first book. I really want to see that. Jessica seen it. She's a jerk. :)

Anyways. If you have ANY good book suggestions, let me know! I like books that relate to real life events. I'm not really into the fantasy stuff & whatnot. So, if you have any other good book suggestions, please post a comment :)

PS: I got TWO new pair of shoes.
ha! :)



SO, I just got back from my trip. Alot happened.

I realized that I cannot live without my family. My little brother missed me so much. On Friday morning, I almost didn't want to go anymore. It made my heart hurt to see him crying because I was going to be gone. I was only gone from Friday morning until Sunday afternoon. It doesn't seem like that long away from them, until you actually have to go through it.

Anyways! I'm back.
I learned...again. That shady people are never going to be real. No matter how many times you trust them, it will never change.

The trip was pretty fun. I don't really know how to explain it. I guess if there's something you want to know, then you can just ask.

I'm going to be uploading pictures & videos.



I'm pretty happy that nobody noticed how I didn't number my posts right.

I'm not going to change it, though.
Who cares!

Tomorrow I leave.
YAY! I have to pack today. I was going to pack yesterday, but jessica kept me out longer than we had expected. It's okay, though. I forgive her. She's awesome.

We need more people from North to get blogspot. Or atleast more friends. I like reading stuff like this from people I know.

I know Rachel is reading this, soooo...I LOVE YOU RACHEL!

Moving on....I started a new blog on another website called wordpress. I need help figuring it out, so if anybody knows anything about it- let me know please.

I also see alot of people with twitter on thier pages. I have a twitter account, but I don't know how to get my updates on my blog.

If anyone knows about that then help me out....again. TNX.

& OH YEAH! I wanna learn more tutorials.
If you know any good ones, let me know....AGAIN.

Just let me know anything about what you know.
That makes it simple.



I love hanging out with jessica. I never get tired of her. She never judges me. She's really one of the few best friends I've got. I am jealous that she's so beautiful. I never knew our friendship would grow like this.

Jessica breeden: you really are like my best friend. I can tell you anythin & you always understand. You say the funniest things & I love your laugh. You are very sweet. Its hard finding good friends & like I told you in that letter- I thank God for you. I will always be here if you need me. Please don't hesitate to call me. I will always be here. You can trust me with your life. "for you a thousand times over" :)


Sooo....I'm getting even more excited about this trip!

I love it!
I cannot wait to get away from school.

I learned how to mobile blog.
So, on my trip it will be super fun because I will have four hours to do NOTHINGGG.
So I will definately be blogging & listening to my i-pod.
I did update it with TONNNNSSS of music last night, though.

My cousin's Halloween party was really fun.
& I still haven't uploaded the pictures form that.

I know that I feel bad because I haven't, but I also don't like when she keeps pressuring me to do something when I can't.

My mom is so sad for me leaving on my trip.
But my grandma has been making me super happy by giving me all this freakin money!



I am starting a wordpress.com blog because I feel like I need somewhere to be a little more deeper.
I cannot have my creative writing teacher reading my stuff, thinking I need a clinic for troubled kids & stuff.

I won't let you guys know t he link yet, because I feel bad knowing that it looks like junk.

Know that I have been posting on there, well- i STARTED & I will continue.
I do need to learn coding for it all.

Anyway, I am going with Jess today after school to the malll!

I love jessica.
she means alot to me.



July seems so long ago when I think about the months.
but it was just yesterday, in my mind, that i woke up to that text.
that was the worst text I could have ever received.
WHY? hy did God choose you Mike?

I've been thinking about you alot lately.
I think about little things.
Were you happy before you passed away?
How many unread texts were in your inbox?
What were you wearing?
Did you know it was your time?
What did you smell like?
What were your last words?

...and to sit here and think that you will never walk in my life again kills me.
I love you Mike.
I wish you could understand how I feel.
I wish I could have hugged you just one more time, told you how much your friendship meant, or even had one last laugh.

Is it wrong for your face to be fading from my memeory?
Is it wrong that when I look at your picture, it looks alienated to me because I can only see you lying in that casket?
Please tell me. Is it wrong?

Is it wrong that I wish it was me instead of you?


I don't understand.

Mike. We all love you. ALL of us.

picture courtesy of corrie brown's myspace page.



I some how found all these kick ass people on blogger today while NOT paying attention in marketing class.

I hope none of them were offended of my just random appearances.

Anyways, I want to add a few of them to my followed list, if they don't mind.

The only problem is that I forgot some of the pages =[

I hope they come back & like...comment my blog or something so I can re-find them.

I need some MORE good reads in my life right now.


Now that I've been telling more and more people about me leaving from North to do independent studies, it kind of makes me sad a little. There's alot of people who keep telling me how much they would miss me. I kind of don't believe it because I think I'm BARELY visible to some of these people now when I'm here.

Sadly to say, but I really just don't care about it anymore. I need to do what's best for me. I don't even think people will miss me.

Hopefully, I will still keep in touch with the people I love from here.


I really don't know how I got into this mess.

I thought journaling was done by number of posts, not dates.


Now, I guess I am behind because I haven't blogged everyday lately.

That sucks because I have like 100 total posts, but not 15 for the past two weeks.

I can't wait to drop this class. I have no idea about creative writing anymore. I thought it was fun before, until all this shit started getting hard.

Now it's just too much.

But the kids are pretty cool i this class, sometimes.

Well- sort of.

I think the only reason I liked this class was because Bruland was the teacher.


I never REALLY realized how many DOPE people were on blogspot.

shits crazy.


So, I honestly have nothing to blog about today.
Nothing new has happened besides the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing for my children's story. My rough draft is due in about 80 minutes, and I have NO IDEA. Is that bad? Wait..what am I saying. That's TOTALLY bad. I dunno. I just don't feel like school today.

Hopefully, Angie will call the TAC building today & see what's up with the independant studies. I really cannot wait.

I got into a little "back-and-fourth" with Autumn about if she'd miss me or not & really I had no sympathy for her at all. She sits and talks about how she won't get to see me & we won't be close, but she, herself will make it that way. She has my number, address, myspace, ect. She CAN get a hold of me if she wanted. It's on her...

I have FIVE days off of work this week. That's nice for me. But it's only because I have my trip this weekend. Super excited for that one.



I just got home from the concert.

Metro, Station, Tyga, The White Tee Affair, and Cash Cash all played. It was super fun! I loved it, plus it was my little brother's first concert experience His favorite band is Metro Station, so it was cool to see his reaction. He was dacing all over the place & didn't care who seen it. Fun shit I must say. =]

Plus, I didn't know Tyga was going to be there, so that DEFINATELY brightened my time.

I've been working alot. Getting ready for my trip, which is this weekend. Friday when I leave for school, I won't be back until Sunday night. It's a little bit thrilling, but then again it's kind of like......overwhelming.

I will post the videos as soon as I can! I had a lot of fun.

So, I have five days off of work this week.

I work tomorrow, Monday, & Tuesday and then NO WORK until next Monday. Part of it is because of my trip, but hey! It's all good.

I'm also getting more and more excited about this independant studies thing. I cannot wait.

OH YEAH & graduation. Who ever heard of some shit that you gotta PAY for graduating? Why should we, as students, pay for caps and gowns? It's a pricey experience.



I talked to Mr. Wiley about independant studies today. He didn't seem as enthused about me running wiht this idea as I did. BUT I found out that I will most likely do it. I've weighed all my options, basically. Friends: I have my friends & if I leave school & they dont have my number, know where I live, or my Myspace then they arent really my friends. School: I won't miss school, really. I hate mornings & I can do my work on MY time. Work: I can work MORE! yay.

-enough of thissss.



I definately got my girlprops.com jewelry in the mail yesterday! I have Rachel's gift from way long ago, I just need to put a few handy touches on it. I'm also waiting for my winter coat package. It sucks waiting for stuff. With penpalling, waiting for the mail is fun! Since Mara & I haven't really been on good terms, I kind of don't know how to react to her letters.

The Kite Runner is one of t he best books I've read in a while. It's pretty amazing and I cannot wait to get done with it so I can know what the ending is like.

I'm also super excited for college! I found out that Lena is going to the same university as I am & is majoring in the same thing. She's pretty cool. A fellow sneaker freak like myself is always dandy in my book.


I just read Mara's recent blog post, which was about me. I'm really not even going to waste my time with a response because she doesn't even REALLY know the extent of the situation with my friend. I did blow up, but that's because I've been going through some things. I haven't changed, you just must not know me like you think, Mara. Anyhow, you can come to me and get further details if you wish, if not then it is what it is. I did see how you put my name at the end of the list of friends on your page & ect. I don't care, really. That's childish in itself. Time to keep it movin, I guess.

Anyway! I decided to start just numbering my blog posts because I can't think of cute little titles like Rachel. Plus, this will make it easier to keep track of them for Ms. Bruland when she grades them. I also have been thinking about independent studies! At semester, I plan on dropping out of school. To graduate, at the semester point, I will only need one credit of English. In that case, I don't feel like I should keep sitting here for 6 hours, if I don't need these credits. Plus there's other issues. No car transportation, I need more hours at work to help my mom with some bills, ect. All in all, i feel like this decision is best. I just hope it all works out.



Do you ever wonder how people can change so much with such little time? How one day you can be so close to a person and the next they really don't even care? For some reason, I'm stuck on this. I'm the type of person who is loyal and always cares about the people in her life. I feel like I shouldn't do that because people don't seem to do the same. It's just like why bother because you aren't going to get the same treatment. I really feel an emptiness inside me when I realize how many people have changed. I feel hurt inside when I look back at some of the people who used to be my best friends. Now.... They are nothing to me. Well, in all actuality, I am nothing to THEM. It's really crazy.

Today I looked back at one of my old friends' Myspace page. It was crazy because me and Raeven used to be so close. Then she started changing up. It's just silly to me how you can change so quickly just because you are around a certain few people more often. I don't know why it even bothers me because if it was meant for that person to be in my life then they would still be here, ya know? It just takes a lot for me to accept the fact that you spent so much time, effort, and trust in people for them to just throw it away.

It just is amazing how people change. Seriously. Most of the time, I pray that the change is for the better- on their part, but sometimes it's not.

I feel a lot of my friends growing apart from me, and I know it can't be my fault with ALL of them.



I don't really know how many times I've expressed my dire love & need for Chris Brown. He's my other half, unannounced. :)

I found this on a friend's Myspace page, but I didn't intend on stealing it from her. I just wanted it to show off his sexy strawberry eating skills.

Anyways, today was a dreary day. It rained. A close friend of mine broke up wit her boyfriend. It sucks. I've never been through any of that, but I know it has to hurt when you lose your best friend all of a sudden.



I really wish I had went to school today. I really needed to say something to someone about the dumb shit that they are stirring up.

I also wish I could think of really good blog titles like Rachel.

Anyways, I'm sick. BLAH!

I have updated my youtube channel. I added a few videos, including a video for Steffa & Rachel.




Today was just a normal day. It started off good. Went good all day. And is ending good.
I don't have work tomorrow and I really don't have many plans. Hopefully something will come up....

In my last post, I was angry, hurt, dumbfounded, and even hateful. All over something that was brought to my attention. I really don't think all of the details need to be dropped, nobody really cares anyway. What I do want to say is that I did overreact. I don't want to NOT be Rachel's friend, but I don't want to have shit being said behind my back.

Pretty much- I decided that someone I gave my trust to opened their mouth. Yeah, I did say that I think that Rachel & I might end up being closer than both of our relationships with our best friends that we have now. We BOTH said that. We both talked about distancing ourselves from certain people after school gets out. Never once did I mention this to Rachel's best friend or mine. We agreed that nothing needed to be said. So here's where I get angry, pissed, hurt, ect...

If these things were only said between us, with intentions of not saying anything else about it- then how did it get out? How did my best friend hear "through the grapevine" about the same shit that I said? How did some of the statements become misconstrued?

Never once did I say "I do not like Autumn because I like Rachel now."
Never once did Rachel say "I don't like Autumn because she tried to hit on Stephen."
Never once did I say "Rachel George, you are my new best friend."

So if these things AREN'T being said, then how the fuck is it all coming up?
SOMEONE'S mouth has been opened up.

So really, now that I got all of that out there, I'm going to address ONE person.

Rachel: If you said something to anyone or whatever the case may be, that's fine. But please tell whomever you told to get the story stright, and accurate. If you feel like I am definately not worth keeping around, that's fine too. Never once have I tied any negative connotations to your name when speaking to someone else. I have never had a problem with you. I am definately not going to lie, I'm sure this probably stems a little bit from Bekka. I don't really care, to be honest. I just think that when/if I do ocme to that conclusion with Autumn where I have to let her know that we aren't best friends anymore, then I would like to be the one to do it. I don't want her coming up to me with wrong fucking stories that I never once said. So, if you honestly consider me a lost friend and whatever the fuck else- that's cool with me. It's your decision.



Being a student is like...
I cannot even begin to tell you what I think being a student is like. I've missed so many days of school lately, like...for no reason. No reason at all. The point of missing school wasn't because I didn't WANT to go to school. I just didn't feel motivated to wake up that early i the morning and go. I hate the people at school. I hate teachers, homework, just all the foulness of the people who reside at this idiotic place. I don't know why I feel this way. I just do. I really want to just go to college. Seriously...

Today I finally heard it all. People are ALWAYS looking for drama. Why are people so addicted to dramatics? It almost disgusts me that people TALK about things that they just conceive from their incompetant brains and run with it like they seen it in a history book or something. The whole i got a new best friend thing, the whole Rachel thing, all of it...I really could care less. Obviously this whole situation means that either someone I trust is going behind my back and running thier mouth, or someone doesn't know the story in it's entirety. I don't care. Just shut the fuck up about me. You really don't know me. There's a few people I can honestly narrow it down to, and it sucks, but I have almost come to realize that friends are a bunch of bullshit. Even the ones you thought were the farthest from betraying you....

Just to throw it in there, I havn't been to school for like a wweek. I come back and even before my first class, I hear it...

I'm sorry that miscontruities about Audrey Thompson rule your entire universe and old your existance.
Please stop because you just lost a friend. Everyone who could even be miraculously involved are out of my book.

Bye faggots.



This. Was. The. Worst.

This was the absolute worst pain I've ever had to endure.
It sucked really bad.
I swear I almost don't want piercings anymore.


Watch the video. :)



I made a new layout for my blog! Maybe this will give me the desire to actually blog about what's been going on in my life.

Thank you Mara for helping me with a few tweaks here & there.

Overall, I really love the layout. It's nice, but not finished.

There's still minor adjustments that need to be made.

Bear with me.

Until next time....



Is messed uppppp.




Getting scholarships is a good ay for free money to pay for an education. I'm very inclined to get some free money somewhere along the way. I have decided to attend Bellevue University. They have a vigorous program, where you earn your Bachelor's degree in 3 years instead of a whopping 4+ year span. Cool, eh? Yeah, I think so too. Anywho, i started to fill out scholarship apps today. I have ONE complete and turned in. I won't know until April if I get randomly chosen for the scholarship, but at least I have some type of motivation for this project. I'm really sick of high school, and I kind of just want to jump the gun and it college. Is that absolutely weird? I kind of think it is, but my college recruiter has gotten me so FREAKIN excited for college that I almost can't stand it. She's amazing. I honestly think if it wasn't for her that I probably wouldn't be half as excited. She didn't sugar-coat ANYTHING, and she definately didn't just tell me what I wanted to hear to choose Bellevue.

All I know is that I'm ready for a change! want to do a lot of different things with my life, and I plan on starting with college. :)

On another note- I'm SUPER eager to get into decorating my room. I recently found out that I enjoy that type of stuff.

Let me know if you have any ideas about how to start me out on this.



Everything lately has been...i dunno. First, it seems so amazing and then in the blink of an eye seems so overwhelming.

I took my ACT on Saturday. It was just as I had expected. I drove for the first time alone to & from school to take it. Speaking of driving, I've been driving alot lately. Everywhere I go, it seems like my mom is making me rive. I hated it at first, but now I love it. I can't wait to get a car and start driving, but I don't know when that will happen because I don't have money for that. I'm so jealous of some of my friends who have AMAZING cars. I don't even have a permit! It sucks, bad. Lately, I've been hanging out alot with the people I love. Including Jessica! Last Thursday we hung out. We carved pumpkins =] It was super fun. I love her. She's amazing, but I'm SURE that I have already mentioned that in a blog before. =] Anywayyyysss. It's starting to get super cold out lately. I hate that. I haven't even decided what type of winter coat I want. I need one, but I don't want to spend alot of money. I don't even know where to go to get one =[

Another thing is my Kanas City trip! I've been really excited about that. REALLY EXCITED! But now I learned that I've gotta have certain clothes to wear and I don't have those certain clothes. UGHHHH.

I'm tired of typing...



HEY! This is almost the cutest picture EVER. I had an awesome day yesterday. I went and chilled with Rachel & Bekka. For some reaosn, it was cool. I don't want to say too much about WHYI didn't think I was going to enjoy it, but I really, and I mean REALLY, didn't think it was going to suffice for spending my time outside of school. that's really harsh, but it's so true. Anyways, we went to drop off this paper for Rachel at her work. She works at the zoo. I ind ofo think that is an amazing job, but I guess she only works at the gift shop, so I'm not sure. We went and had pizza, after not knowing what to do for so long. It was cool. We continued the God preach-y type of talk. It was still amusing, nonetheless.

God is good. I refuse to let that idea slip from my mind again. It's like...how can people take so much for granted? How can the person who created you in the essence be completely lost and forgotten. HOW can someone who has done so much so effortlessly be put somewhere on your priority list, besides number one? It's confusing, yet I find ways to redeem myself in excuses. I've always been Christian, never attended church, and cannot repeat even a PART of a bible verse for you. Does that tell you enough? Church, God, bibles, and ect were NOT part of my lifestyle.

I've been having this problem. This ANIMAL problem. this ladybug and bat kind of problem. The other night marks the fourth time that I've had an actual bat fly around in my room while I was lying in bed. WHY?! I thought we found where they were getting in, but I guess we really didn't. So, I've come to the conclusion that the only reason they feel the need to hang around my room is because my room is the attic. NO, not the typical dusty attic with creaking floors & junk like that. I'm not too sure about why the ladybugs are around, though.



Looking back, I don't think I ever really appreciated how much Jessica means to me. I mean....I DID, but I don't think I ever REALLY realized it. Jessica Breeden is an amazing person. She's not judgemental, she's sweet, honest, and a good friend. She's pretty much one of the type of people you NEED in your life. I never realized how long she's been there for me. We got into one fight, over something really silly. It hurt me really bad, because I shouldn't have treated her that way. She doesn't talk behind your back, doesn't judge who you are, and isn't materialistic. She's one of my better friends that I have. I always know that she is going to be there for me. I've never really needed to talk to her, in a desperate menner, but I know that if I did she wouldn't judge me and she would probably do her best to make me feel better. I want her to know that I'm here for her. No matter what I'm doing, and what you're doing- I'm only a call away. It doesn't matter if it's late, summer, ten years from now, or if I'm not even on talking terms with her- I will always be someone she can fall back on.


I spent my night with my mom. Yeah, it was fun. We have been at Walmart for like 5 hours! It's fun going when it's super late. =]

Anyway, I didn't get much accomplished there except for the fact that I got a new Chris Brown poster, penpal stationary, anddd some FISH!

Yes. Fish.




I'm not going to use this time to sit up here and post a lame post. I usually try not to post some lame stuff on the contrary, but I want this post to be unusually special. I want people to really set aside thier pride & thoughts on EVERYTHING and then read this. It might make you realize some things, or not. But here it goes...

I lost a friend last week, but gained more. I lost Scott Tunstall. We all lost him. BUt tonight, I gained an already tremendous love for God. I gained the closure that I longed for with Scott. I gained a new realization with a friend of mine. I gained almost the most precious gift you could honestly get from life- the gift of not taking things for granted.

It doesn't matter where I got all of this inspiration, but I will in fact go into detail about the source later. What I learned tonight, I already had inside me, I just needed a few guiding words to help move my realization along. Scott was taken from us, but it was what was supposed to happen. God places each one of us on this earth as a guide, a guide to people. God's intentions for us are to be a guide and teach one thing to each individual we come into contact with. What did Scott teach me? Scott taught me that there's never any reaosn to not put a smile on someone's face, he taught me that our teenage generation as a whole needs to come together, he taught me that life is short, and he also taught me that walking through life isn't easy.

Enough of that ever-so-deep discussion & onto a little less deep topic...

Tonight I also realized alot about friendships. Even though sometimes friendships seem like they are one thing- theyare really another. I have a few people in my life, who I really wish to keep there. I think today I really spent my whole day with TWO people that mean more to me than I even expected. Both are good friends, but are becoming more than just good. It took me some time to realize that just because some peoples' friendships look perfect, they really aren't. It's been a rough senior year for the most part, but all in all- I've learned something in every situation that's been put in front of me. Learning the hard way leads you to REALLY learning what is supposed to come out of the situation.



I'm sorry that I have to keep referring back to the death of Scott, but all in all that's basically what's been going on with the people around me, school, and myself. I still don't know how to keep my emotions under control about the situation. It's scary. I used to be okay with death, but now I'm not. I really can't even describe how I feel. I used to think that death was scary, and then I realized that it was a part of life, but now.....now I'm scared. I'm scared of how people will mourn and be hurt when I die. I'm scared of how death will be. It hurts to know that eventually I will have to be the person that people mourn.

Looking back at my relationship with Scott, I now know that people take each other too granted way to quickly. People don't realize how much another human being ACTUALLY means to them. I never knew Scott's favorite color, his favorite song, or even that he had a brother. What I do realize is that even though I didn't know any of those things about him, I still cared about him. He still brought a smile to my face EVERY SINGLE TIME I seen him. He was an amazing individual. I know that after the mourning of Scott, people will remember everything good about him. Unknowingly, we took the news tat he had committed suicide with harshness. The whole school mourned over what happened. It ruined Homecoming night, the weekend, and even shattered lives. Nobody knew he was sad. Nobody knew that he had a problem or that he was thinking about taking his life. NOBODY! How can someone so popular with the people around him have such issues and NOBODY have a clue?! It disgusts me that these rumors of a certain female LAUGHING about his death are being spread & that she is okay with that- making it apparent that these rumors ARE nothing but truth. She was supposed to be his friend. She was supposed to have known he was going to do it, but if that was the case, WHY didn't she mention it? Why didn't she try to help him? WHY didn't she tell someone? Anything at all would have sufficed for him taking his own life.

Looking around at all the people who are hurt by this loss, makes me realize that our student body- is more united than we thought. It almost brings me a slither of happiness to know that Scott was cared for by so many people, so many different people at that.

I really have so much more to say, but honestly don't know which words to use. I need to think about it more, but THEN I will return- again with another post reguarding Scott because I know this isn't the last one.



This day has been incredibly unfabolous. Late for school, rain, & messed up phone. I don't even feel like I have anything WORTH blogging about.

I have too much homework & SHIT to do.

I got my first penpal letter EVER.




I swear to God! If these aren't the yummiest things I've ever had in my life! I swear. They are really good. Really. Like, I cannot even explain it. Eat one. Now!


I really don't know why, but this picture makes me smile. Maybe it's because of all of the grim & bad things that have been occuring lately. I'm not sure, but I'm glad that someone is happy. Everyone at school has been really dreary today, but considering the circumstances, I understand. I've been hearing all of these rumors aout Scott and other people associated with him. It kind of sucks, but at the same time how else do you expect the people who knew him to mourn? Today, at the begining of the day, teachers were obliged to read a "statement", assumingly it's from higher staff memeber ie: principal, vice principal, ect. The statement basically said what happened & that they wanted us to refrain from talking about it & that counselors were available. Pretty much what students already knew. Why would you, or should you make a big deal out of something that we were already aware of? Yeah, it makes me feel better that our school is actually caring & in-tune to what's going on, but that "statement" was for one too late & for too unnecessary.



Scott, you will be forever missed. I can picture the last time I saw your face. You were wearing a white shirt. You came up to me in the hallway & said "hey baby", laughing I pushed you away with a quick "You're crazy Scott". As I type this, I'm sad. Sad because you seemed so happy. Sad because nobody knew you were hurting. Sad because OBVIOUSLY you felt you had nobody to to turn to. I'm sad because I miss you. I'm angry because nobody saw this ocming. I'm angry because it was selfish of you in a way to leave all of these people behind, broken & hurt. Your little brother, your mom, your friends....How many people do you think are going to just "get over" the fact that you took your own life? NONE. Even though I don't understand why you did it, I respect your decision. I just want you, Scott, to know that I love you. I miss you already. To walk down the hallways & see all of those broken people hurts. To sit in a classroom that's usually full of laughter & jokes, now dead silent- kills. It hurts me to know that your now gone. Forever. Your life was cut short. You weregoing to be 18 soon. You had so much potential and so much life. It hurts my heart to know that you, of all people, were unhappy. I cried. I cried because I didn't help you. I cried because I didn't know you were sad. I cried because another one of my friends are gone. I will be attending your funeral. I want you to watch over us, all of us who are missing you. I wish I could understand why you walked out on us. Look at how many people cared for you. I just wish I knew why.....

Scott A. Tunstall Jr.
112490- 101108.


I just learned that February 13th is the day where most people comit suicide.


I really wasn't too satisfied with this homecoming. I would have rather been home, or at work. I liked getting ready & seeing everyone out of thier element, but seriously it was NOT worth the money I spent. Let's run it down, a little.

* Nails: $42.00
* Dress: $70.00
*Accessories: $30.00
*Ticket: $12.00

Seriously...all of that money could have been spent on other things, not that it would have been more important than homecoming expenses, but you get it....

Anyways, homecoming was nice, besides the abd new that I got. I'll post a seperate blog for the bad news. Anyway, the night went like this....

First off, I woke up at my cousins' house. I went home around 4 o'clock to start getting ready. I didn't spend money on hair or make-up, I just used my cousin for that! :) She did my hair & make-up making me look all pretty. I left the house with her & my boy cousin around 7:30. We went to the Burger King drive thru. Then we went to the Omaha North High School parking lot. I seriously thought I was in the parking lot of a strip club! I knew that homecoming was for dressing in short dresses, but I didn't know that short shorts & skin tight leggings counted as actual ensambles. It almost made me throw up in my mouth. Anyway, went to the dance, took some pictures, critiques a bunch of females' dress picks, & did all the usuall stuff you do at an event like that. Then I got the bad news...... As shocking as it was, I couldn't let it ruin my night- just yet. I played it off like I was cool, trying to forget what someone had just told me. It was hard, but I found Rachel George & I made it happen! I took some pictures, talked with her & her boyfriend, and then it was time to go. I hadn't made any actual plans for after homecoming because the usual homecoming scene is parties, drugs, and teen drinking. None of that is me, at all, so I decided to just go home where I belonged. I had work the next day anyway, so it was pretty much the better choice to go with. And then the bad news sunk in...

PS: Hopefully, the homecoming pictures will be available on my Myspace & Flickr.


So....I'm not going to be working six days a week, like I recently thought. That's definately okay with me, but there was some other things going on with work though.

Last Tuesday was my little brothers' birthday. My mom wouldn't let him have his cake, gifts, ice cream, ect until I got off of work. It was slow at work, so I didn't feel the need to stay at work until eight, when I could leave at 6:30. So, that's exactly what I did. I left at 6:30, unknowingly that I would ALMOST lose my job. Anyways, my manager almost fired me because I left, which is really stupid because I don't do anything wrong, I've had the same job for almost 2 years, and I've only had one raise the WHOLE time! What kind of shit is that?! So, I was really pissed off when my other manager told me the plans of the first asshole manager. My nicer of the two managers saved my job! He stepped in & wrote me up instead of letting me get fired, which is extremely nice of him, but at the same timje I just want to quit. Like, seruiusly, there's so many other employees thatdo worse than what I do. It pretty much disgusts me ebcause why would he all of a sudden just want to fire me?! Anyway, I still have a job, and an asshole for a manager. Moving along....


There's really no reason as to WHY I stopped blogging, I just got busy....I guess. Alot has been going on, & I plan on telling it all as soon as I get time. There's been so much going on. It's really crazy. School, work, and home has all been CRAZY! I'm going to use seperate posts to that I can get some LENGTH out of it all...

This is just an actual UPDATE post. Seriously. I've been behind in everything, including uploading homecoming pics & ect.

-goes to new post-



It's hard for me to imagine that college is right around the corner. Today, I set up an appointment to go and tour Bellevue University. I don't know too much about Bellevue, but I do know that the lady that has spoke to my class a few times & thats called me is really nice and very interesting. I hope that I get her as my tour guide. I'm also going to be attending an informational meeting while I'm there. I'm just really excited, nervous, and scared. I want to do good on my ACT, but I'm really not that smart.

ALl I know is that next Thursday, I will be going to see what Bellevue University has to offer!



Today was my kid brother's birthday. He is so amazing. I honestly couldn't live without him. I can't even believe he's turned 12 today! JEEZ! Here's something I wrote for him...

If you cannot read the letter, put this URL into your browser:

All i can begin to say is that NONE of you have a sibling half as awesome as mine. No matter what anybody says, he will always be the best brother, in my eye. Nobody can compare to him. He means more than the world to me. More like the world plus the stars,and then some. I wish you guys could geing to understand how special he is to me, but you cannot. You will never be able to realize how much I c are about him. He's the only person I trust with my whole self, besides my best friend. He never makes fun of me or my ideas, never critisizes my singing, and never hurts my feelings. I love everything about him, and I wouldn't change him for the world.

More photos of us can be found in the links below.

HIS myspace.

MY myspace.

MY flickr stream.