Some people think that being emotional is a problem.

I am a very emotional person. Not only do I care too much about everything, I get my feelings hurt very easily, and I'm bipolar with no medication. All these things confined into one person can be problematic, but only if you look at it that way. I don't.

I'm hard on myself, only because I want to do better. I try not to open up a whole lot because I've been hurt in the past, but I end up doing it anyway...and what does that lead to? The same things in the past. Anyways...that's besides the point.

I was thinking about it. Are some people scared of emotions? Is it because they don't want to feel the same things? Is it a cry for help? An uncomfortable situation for a person? I don't get it. Although I am secure with myself and the emotions I have, other people may not be, and I have yet to come to terms with that.

Anyways, all I'm saying is that I know that I'm emotional. I know that I'm bipolar. I'm okay with that because that's me.



I was on twitter via blackberry today. I saw a tweet from my homeboy and I retweeted it.

"If you are irritated by every rub, how will you ever be polished?"

And then it hit me. That is the fucking answer to life! Well..not really, but that shit is the TOTAL truth. Everything I do, I doubt myself. If it's negative towards me, I don't want to hear it. Then I thought, how many other people go through the same shit? I gotta stop, though. I plan to just keep steppin my game up. I don't want to worry about other people and what they have to say. It's not even a 2010 thing, it's more of a personal "I'm ready to grind hard" type of thing.

The last few days have really been a time for me to think and look back on the things I need to prosper on. I've said it before, but I;ll say it again...PROSPERING IN YOUR CRAFT IS THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO. That's how it should be. Nobody will hand shit to you, you have to take it. Someone helped me realize that shit today.



So, my homie makes fire music. I only support music that I think is good. This is good shit.

Download the fire here.

Hit up his website too.


OH YEAH, and the cover was designed by yours truely. :)



So, the year is coming to an end. It' been a crazy ass year. I turned 19 this year, my cousin was killed, I graduated high school, fell in love for the first time, and started college. Some things good, some things bad, but it was another year nontheless. I met good people, lost good people. I was homeless, depressed, and lost. I was happy, ecstatic, and amazed. I got my first tattoo. I spent more time with my family.

2009 wasn't necessarily a good year in HAPPINESS, but it was a good year in LEARNING. I learned a lot about myself, about people in general, about life, and about God. My relationship with God has impacted my life greatly this year. God is something special to me. I wake up thanking God for life, and go to sleep thanking God for life.

What this blog is thoroughly trying to say is, no matter if this year was good or bad, use the experiences you have had to learn from and prosper against. Each year should teach you lessons that the year before hadn't held for you.

Too many times I think people use the coming of a new year to claim new ideas and new resolutions that aren't them at all. Sometimes people shouldn't do that. People should just keep working on who they are and who they want to become, not try to take on new tasks. Does that make sense?



As the holiday season approaches, I get more and more discouraged. My family doesn't even have a tree up. Its weird because this year has been the most struggling year of my life. I was homeless, jobless, and my family was just a wreck. I don't ask for pity, because I don't want it or need it, but sometimes I wish people understood how hard it is for me without making myself seem like the damsel in distress. I hold on to hope in everything I do, and I always try to keep pushing to make things better.

I go to work and I'm a full time student. Right now, this shit feels like so much work. I'd rather just work and get money to support my family. Its very hard living paycheck to paycheck. Most people don't even know that about me. I'm always the one to act goofy and try to make everyone else happy. Sometimes I think that's a way for me to reassure people that I'm not sad, but in reality I am. I've been sad for a while.

I have a strong relationship with God, and I want to live my life in a way that He would be proud. I make mistakes, but everyone does. I'm not perfect, and all I can do it prosper from being a person to a better person. I apologize for my mistakes and work hard at making myself better.

The point of this rambling post is just me thinking. Does God put us through things to make us better people? If he does, then how come the good people always go through the most? Why is it that the most kind and generous person goes through the most strugle? How is that making them better? How does that build character or even help them keep faith?

I've come to the understanding that God knows what's best. That's the only answer I can come up with. Hopefully, karma is in my best interest and hopefully my time to prosper is coming soon.



So many times people associate negative feelings with weakness. Jealousy, envy, sadness, and anger. These emotions have negative connotations connected with them, but are they really as negative as we make them out to be?

What about love? Negative things don't happen when "love is in the air"? People don't get hurt and brokenhearted when they love someone? I dunno how some of you work, but I feel that being hurt and feeling down are negative feelings that we despise. Doesn't that make us weak in a sense too?

Some people have a hard time showing their emotions and other people don't realize that. I wish more people would be open to aspects of people like I am.

Having emotions doesn't make you weak. Having the outlook to say your emotions are weak, is weak.

I have been having a really hard last few days. Yesterday was my birthday, and ill do a seperate post on that, but it sucked for the most part. I know off tops, people who know me on Twitter are gonna try and say its because of the whole Chris Brown not tweeting me thing. That added to the rainstorm, but was not the initial issue. I don't want to play the pity party role, but my family is having hard times. I know the people who don't understand are gonna be like "yeah, everyone is havin hard times", but they really don't know the situation. I won't go into detail about it because its personal, but I have told a few close people to me.
Anyways, I think I'm rambling. This is the first time I'm gonna be posting via blackberry. My friend skip gave me this idea. :)



I can't stand this shit and it seems like it's been happening a lot lately. There's always tons of people around when they need or want something, but only when it's convenient for them.

If I needed something from these people, they wouldn't be around...ever. Same deal with people and them not havin anybody to talk to. I'm talkin about on AIM, skype, Y!, ect. It was noticable before, but now it's just annoying. These people ONLY talk to me when they're bored and there's nobody else for them to talk to. Soon as there's somebody else around, they up and forget all about me. Now I'm not bitching at all, nor do I honestly care...but I'm just sayin.

I do notice that it's the same people askin for Twitter backgrounds, Photoshop shit done, to be put on my blog, and to get shouted out for some followers...



Today, I finally got my first tat.

It says "in God I trust". It's on my foot, if you can't tell from the picture. I've been wanting a tattoo to remember all the people I've lost in my life. I finally thought of the perfect saying the other night. I didn't think I was even gonna go through with it, but I wanted it. Everyone kept tellin me foot tats were the worst, and I was lettin that shit get into my head.

I went in to make an appointment today with the tattoo place. I was gonna get it on my birthday. I went in on a whim and asked if he could fit me in. He said yeah. That was it.

For the record, it didn't hurt like everyone said. It hurt on the "G" and the "D" in the word "God", and that's it. It took like 10 minutes tops. I was chillin like a G! Lol.



When I look at other people, I always have the thought process that someone else has one up on me, until I'm proven wrong. It's just a natural way of keepin my mind in check. Makin sure I'm never straying from being humble. Making sure that I never get judged as stuck up or thinking I'm too good for the next person.

So what happens when the time comes when you are the one with the "one up"? How do you act? You can't act like you know that's how it is because you don't want people to think you are that stuck up type. If you are supposed HUMBLE in the first place, how can you even think that you have a "one up" on the next?

To me, humble people are hard to find. Ever when someone seems to be humble, you turn around and really see their true colors. Of course everyone has an ego about themselves at one point in time, but how can you defer that? Even the most humble people become gassed and switch up.

All I'm saying is that people base life on material things and that's what fuels this fire of not being humble. You have one life to live. It amazes me how the same people who "just live their life" and "do what they want" and the same people constantly referring to haters and getting into fights with the next person.

Think about it...why waste your time? Just be humble and it works out for the best no matter what the precautions are.



All my teenage years have been consumed with working for what AUDREY wants. Anything I wanted, I worked for. I have nice things because I WORKED for nice things. I took care of my nice things. Every sneaker, I put it work for.

I graduated early and I attend college. I'm no dummy. I will say this, for anybody who thought I had or HAVE it easy, you a damn lie.

It drives me insane when a person tries to knock another persons hustle. It pisses me off when a person has nice shit, and tries to rub it in your face. News flash, you aint rubbin shit in my face, because with the quick request at work, I can have the same shit.

The point of this post is to say that people should realize that I aint ballin outta control, but I can have the same shit as you. I work for everything I want, and I get everything I want because of that.

I had an incident with someone today. They tried to rub some shit in my face, and it did irk me, but not because they got some stuff above me. But because of the way they went OUT OF THEIR WAY to mention the shit to me and how they were doing it to "one up" me, is what made me mad.

DON'T DO THAT. If you really wanna floss the shit you got, just DO IT. Don't brag and talk about it. That makes you look deperate, unconfident, and just wack ass fuck.



So, I know that holidays are coming up QUICK. There's so many birthdays, special dates, and family days around this time of the year. I love spending time with my family and whatnot.

Over this past year and a half, I've lost many people close to me. Thinking about the holidays brings to my attention that there are people who won't be as joyous as the next. Mothers who have lost their children, grandmothers who are resting with God now, and even fathers who have passed on. It makes me so sad to think about.

I recently lost my cousin. September 11, 2009 wasn't only a 9/11 terrorist attack "anniversary", if you will, it was also the day my cousin got taken off life support. His birthday was just a few days after that. We went through the first birthday without him, the first halloween, and now it's the first Thanksgiving and Christmas, ect? It hurts, but I know that he's in a better place. I know I will be thankful for life and my families lives this year, now more than ever. I wake up everyday praising God that he opened my eyes again today.

I didn't mean for this post to turn into something religious, but this is how I'm feeling. If anybody reads my posts, don't think of me trying to be religious, think about the people who have lost people and have to keep enduring life without the people they love.



It's funny how people only tell other people what they want them to know, and only that. Sometimes it's not even that big of a deal, but I feel like often times people just lie to be lying. Like why mention the fact that you went to the store, bought Burger King, took a piss at Walmart, and even rolled a shitty ass blunt BUT forget to mention that you stopped by some chicks house. Or that you called to chill with homegirl or called to just see what was up with her. Like...is it insecurities? Is it that you don't want to get caught up, or don't want to have to explain yourself? Like I honestly don't understand why people do it.

When it's a person close to me or that is involved with me, that shit would annoy me. Usually it's just randoms around me, and I see the shit easier because it's so obvious. I laugh at it, I just don't know why someone does it. The funny part is it's usually people who claim they aint gotta lie, or that they keep it real, and don't got shit to hide.

*shrugs* Oh wells. It's humorous to me.

Anyways, I been bumpin Big Sean heavy lately. I wish he would drop another mixtape or some shit. I dig him..hardbody. So, I updated my blog with his face. I really like the graphic to be honest. Tell me how you feel about it.



Honestly, what does it take for someone to be emotionally attached?

Being emotionally attached doesn't have to be sprung, jealous, in love, ect. You can be emotionally attached to someone you see everyday, someone that you learn something from, ect.

Today was the last day of my first semester in college.

I'm not saying I feel emotionally attached like I'm swooning over someone there or anything, but I come to realize that being emotional with people around you isn't a bad thing. I realized that I will miss seeing those people in that class. I will miss that old bitch who never talked to me because I had my face pierced, or that weird girl in Art class, and even Darelle. Oh my god. He was type sexy.

So, shit like that just makes me wonder. Does it make me OVER emotional? Or does it just make me a normal person?

I think it's just the normal routine. I like having a routine, that doesn't get messed up or leave you questioning whats gonna happen next. Does that mean I reply too much on other people? Or does it just mean the same as what I stated before?

I really just like normal things. I like keeping to know people. I like routines. I don't like always wondering what time I should leave the house in the morning, what road would be the quickest to take, ect. I do it the first time, and I try to do the same things the same way after that.




So, my homeboy Trey keeps spittin crack.

If you haven't downloaded his mixtape, you really need to. He's hot! I'm very supportive of him because he's a real dude with a real personality, and real TALENT.

So, go get "TETRIS" at


He dropped somethin new on us.

Download "TAKE OFF" from his blog too!

I wouldn't support wack shit, so you know it's somethin worth peepin.



It's like as soon as she comes around, all these feelings come rushing back. Every single one. I can't shake it. I can't be her friend and just think those feelings are going to go away. I can't.

It's been a few months since we broke it off. I should have gotten all the way over this shit, by now. I haven't, though. She has my heart, still. I know it's causing friction for some other people, but fuck it. It's about me. I gotta deal with this shit, not anybody else. Nobody will ever care about me and my situations like I do.

I'm gonna try and start blogging on the regular now. I feel like I need to. There;s so much shit I need to say. I just need to actually sit down and SAY it. I also need blog topics. Pullin shit out of my ass is sometimes a hard thing to do.



I always have a problem with emotions.

I feel like so many people these days deceive and don't think twice about it. So what about the real people? With real emotions? Who REALLY care? I wonder if the people who have "empowerment" in these situations actually care.

Anyways, I been talkin to someone as a friend. They give me more than enough attention and keep it real. Except for the fact that they are involved. I'm not involved so, I don't feel wrong, but.... when I stop and think about it.....I am.

I know more than one person can read this and think "Oh..she's talking about me", but I'm probably not.



If you read my blogs, or pay attention to me AT ALL, you would know that my cousin was killed back in September. There's more details to the story than I can even give you here in this blog. What I do know, is that for ONE, I'm getting fed up with just having my cousin's murder case a cold one. For TWO, I'm tired of people around the neighborhood acting like they don't know any FUCKING thing that happened that night.

I'm happy to say that things are actually coming to an end. They put names out about where to find dude, and his name, and ect. I honestly, in my heart, don't think cops do their jobs as well, if not at all, like they should. I do however think, with this whole situation, things are actually coming along with the case. I just want justice. I really need closure. This type of thing really gets me emotional because it was my cousin. For one, it wasn't just my cousin, it was my FRIEND. My friends life was taken away over NOTHING. I just want to know he's at peace and the dude responsible is earning the sentence he deserves.



I am so sick of some people.

It's almost disgusting how when someone aint got shit else to do, they wanna fuck with you. It's a WHOLE NOTHER story when you want to talk to them or want them to do something. Like...that's a fucking double standard for one, and for two it just pisses me off.

I swear I hope some of these people ask me for something. I really do.

I'm ready to cut people off.

I already cut one dumb bitch off, for bein an idiot. I might start cuttin some more people.

I feel like ranting, but then again...I feel like half these people aint worth shit.



For one, I REALLY cannot stand when people have shit to say that don't concern them. It's one of the most annoying things on this earth, and I am NOT over-exaggerating. If you have shit to say, that's fine. It's your opinion, I can't be mad, right? But when you ALWAYS say shit out of turn. It doesn't concern you. So, shut the fuck up.

I notice it's always the ugly broads, or the not-so-fly ones, or the fuckin ratchet ass hoes who ALWAYS feel the need to be heard. Sometimes silence is louder than words. Try it.



So, I don't really know how this works, but I know that I got nominated for some blog award by my lovely friend Gia.

Follow her blog: http://giabananasxxx.blogspot.com/

Anywho, I gotta name off 7 random things about me that people might think are interesting.

1. I got over 14 piercings.
2. I never watch TV. Like...seriously. NEVER.
3. I don't drink and have never been drunk in my life.
4. I don't wear Air Forces.
5. I am bisexual. Nicki Minaj DID NOT influence that.
6. I'm afraid of dying.
7. I'm scared of needles.

Yeah, I might not be THAT interesting, but whatever.

Anyways, I don't know who to nominate because I don't actually know who reads my blogs.

So, if you do still read my blog, leave a comment and let me know. If people are reading, I will post more often.



First of all, as a disclaimer, I would like to say- I DO NOT post bullshit on this blog that I don't support, condone, or believe in. I SUPPORT, CONDONE, AND BELIEVE IN THIS ARTIST. I say that wholeheartedly. Moving on...

Here's a little about Trey & this project:

"This is the first mixtape release from the highly acclaimed artist known as Trey R. Hailing from Baltimore, Maryland this emcee has what it takes to make it in Hip-Hop while simultaneously putting his city on the map. Trey R. has performed in shows and featured in numerous mixtapes throughout the DMV area. Please support this local talent, as he is well on his way to super stardom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Please go download this mixtape. He's got a whole different sound that isn't like most rappers. Give it a listen. I promise you won't be disappointed.


To find Trey, use these links.


* I was going to do a review of the songs that I liked and whatnot, but I honestly can't. Every track has somethin about it that's catchy. Just go peep it, straight up. My favorite tracks are: Ask About Me, Niketown Remix, Hazey, and Forever. Mostly Forever & Niketown Remix though.


"i made it threw the weather..."

First of all, the internet can really make or break a persons whole confidence level. I been through a lot when it comes to the internet, and I'd like to just say it's helped me realize some traits in certain people. Sometimes it can feel like you've walked a million miles with a person you know, and in an instant they throw shade and try to break you with ANY dirt they have on you. That's with internet and non-internet related relationships. It's kind of annoying, but at the same time makes me realize that you have to just sit back and really think about things. Anyways, enough about that.

I have a hard time reading people. I'm the type of person who reads into everything. Why? Because I take friendships a lot more serious than more people do these days. I would never do shit to hurt a person who I consider a friend. That's just how I am. But it happens to me a whole lot, and my feels end up getting hurt. If that makes sense. I just wish there was people around that was REAL and actually cared about your well being. I've got a lot of people who are "friends" to me, but sometimes I wonder do they think of me as being on the same level as the next person? Or is there actually something special that i hold in my character to them?

On another note, I think I'm starting to figure this thing out with my heart. That's all I can say for right now.

Anyways, enough about this seriousness. Derrick wanted me to mention him in my blog. so, here you go Derrick. I am mentioning you. I just want you to know that you're a really helpful friend. Even though I am still NOT playing the Sims 3.



When I think about it, it makes me feel so dumb. So ignorant. So absent minded.

Why do i really love her so much? It's the way she makes me feel.

I will forever be in love with the feelings she gives me.

Trust me, I'll put up with the heartbreak, the mistakes, the fights.

All for just ONE more second with her.



A year has gone by. How did we do it. We picked up the pieces and tried to put them together. It didn't help. You took your own life, before God got that chance. How could you? I know they say there's nothing like a mothers love, but there's nothing like you taking yourself away from us. I miss you a lot. I think about the last time I saw you. It doesn't make me sad anymore. It makes me happy. I have these memories of you that will never change. I love you Scott Alan Tunstall. Forever. I promise I won't forget you.

I wish you had a spot in the cemetary. I wanna come see you.

Just please keep watching over me. Tell Teresa you love her. She misses you. Tell her that I'm still in love with her. Actually, don't worry about that. I'll handle it.

I hope you are living better up there. I wish I could hug you.

-two of my favorite people.
Teresa & Scott.



This last year, I have lost four people personally close to me. I don't want this post to turn into a personal sob story or anything of that nature. What I do want, is for people who actually read my blog to take a second to understand the realism's of what I'm about to type.

Derrion Albert was a 16 year old boy who was beaten to death a few days ago. Beaten to death by his fellow YOUTH. People his age. People my age. People who are just kids.

How could someone take some drastic measures and take another person's life? It disgusts me that people have so much hate in their hearts that they can do this.

Anyways, I hate how it takes something this bad to make people realize that violence really isn't the answer. I know that this is like preaching to the choir, but I feel like it's the least I can do.

If ANYONE even reads my blogs, just know that many peoples lives become broken when viiolent acts occur that take someones life. Why should we keep this cycle going?



Sometimes life throws too much your way.

Sometimes life doesn't throw enough.

Is it the fact that people are just always searching for perfection, or is it that people always need things to complain about. I've heard that as Americans, we are never satisfied. I don't too much believe that. I think it's more of a person thing. Nobody is ever REALLY satisfied. We are always just content. If we were satisfied, we wouldn't keep wanting and needing things.

You wouldn't keep saving up for that new car, paying the rent, or looking for that special someone.

I aint one to sit here and say that I never complain, because I do. i complain more than almost anything else in life....because that's just how I show that I want things to change. I want to change myself, situations, people, ect.

Why wouldn't you want things or people to continuously change? If they didn't, things would get boring.

I really don't know where all of this is coming from. It's late, Im tired, and I just was dissatisfied with my lack of blogging.



There's always a person who you secretly wish you had that same relationship with as when you first met. I first met this person under misled circumstances. I misled them, not vice versa. I never thought that where I led him would become uncovered and would change everything.

It happened, though. I misled a lot of people. But THIS person, meant a whole lot to me.

I still talk to this person. How did this person forgive me for what I had done? I really don't know, but they did. I am very thankful for that, but I wish things were the way they were before. It's kind of like having only half of a person. It feels weird, and I often think about the times we used to share on the phone, crackin jokes, ect. I know it can never be the same so I'm not sure why I'm even writing this...

All I know is that I really appreciate this person. I wish they understood. It's hard to just keep it the way it is, but I would rather have them in my life this way than no way at all.



My cousin died today.


How can you convey the emotions you feel so strongly about in words? I don't think I can describe to you the pain that I feel right now. The anguish is eating me alive. Never in life did I ever think I would live to see the day when my cousin or any family member would be a part of a homicide.

They stabbed him right in his heart. It went all the way through his heart. How could you?

Artie rushed him tot he hospital. He died on the way there. They shocked him back to life. He was ridin it out. They took his heart out of his body, sewed it back together, and put it back in. You weren't coming back at first....so, why did God let you start working with your heart after 13 minutes? WHY?! Why did God give all of us hope? You started blanking and snoring that day. We all had so much hope in our hearts. So, why did you take a turn for the worst? Was it because your brain finally was waking p realizing how muc trauma you were going trough? They screwed holes in your head to try and releive the pressure, but it wasn't enough. that day you took a turn for the worst, you were 98% brain dead. You were practically dead then. I don't know why your mom and dad decided to keep you on the life support then. Why? You were just suffering. You had no chance of making it anyway. All that was left to do was turn the machine off and walk away. You were too far gone.

...And at 6:23 I got the text. You had just passed.

You were about to be 20.....damn.



Have you ever had something that meant the world to you, but you didn't realize it until it was taken away? Have you ever been so scared to put your all into something because you were scared of how it would end up? So, what do you do when you beat your brain into thinking only the best of things will happen, and as soon as the wall is down- you're broke? How do you take that? How can you forgive yourself for making it seem everything was okay? It hurts that much more.

It's worse when you gave your trust in the situation, and you wanted it to be perfect and then it fell apart. It didn't fall apart because of you, it fell apart because of other parties in the situation. How do you know what the other person told you was true? How can it be true when the time is now, but the only one hurting is you?

I felt like I could do anything just last week, and now I feel so numb. I feel like everything I let myself believe was a lie. It was wrong. Why did I let myself do that? I fell in love with someone who didn't feel the same way. My chest hurts everyday. I wake up and immediately think of her. It's more than I can take. It's something I never wanted to feel. How can your whole existence seem so worthless after just one event in your life? All because I thought she loved me back.

I never had high self esteem, I always thought negative about myself. So, when I met her she made me feel special. I held onto every word she spoke, I remember everything about her. She was like a walking God to me. I can't even tell you why. You know how when you get this feeling that something is just...right? That's how it felt. Despite the rumors I heard, the way I looked at myself, and the way it played out, I still went along with it. I wanted her to look at my the same way I looked at her. I was in love with her before she even know it. I thought about her everyday, wishing and hoping that one day there would be an US. It came and I swear on my life I never felt so loved in my entire life. I felt perfect. Just looking at her made me so happy. I held onto every kiss, every hug, every moment with her....was everything to me.

I feel like my whole life is crushed. I keep trying to think that it doesn't matter and that her and i can just go back to being friends. I'm trying to get over it. It's so hard. I can't even hear her name without my heart hurting. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up for a long time. Nobody knows how bad it hurts. I wish I could go back and forget about my feelings for her. How many nights can you possibly cry yourself to sleep until you run out of tears? Somebody please help me.



I've been away.
For a long while.
I miss bogging, but I honestly haven't had the will to actually blog.
I dunno what it is. Blogging just hasn't seemed appealing.

Anyways, my girlfriend and I broke up. She really broke my heart. I know I've never been the type to fall for people and/or let these types of decisions get to me, but I did. It hurts a lot. I know this isn't a Dr Phil episode, so I'll leave it at that. All I can do now is learn for it, and possibly hope things can change. In my heart...I know they won't.

Anyways, I got a job. :) I now work at Sears in the shoe department. I actually love it. there is a lot of work that you have to be responsible for, but I'm ready to pull that task. I'm still in training and still learning. I hope that I can get the hang of it quickly. I actually dig the early hours too. That means, once I get out of this insomniac mode, I can actually do other shit in the day besides losing it all to work like I used to do.

School for me starts on Tuesday. I'm ready to start just because I am so bored with life since I left school in December. I just hope that working doesn't interfere. I actually have quite a few hours. I work everyday except the days I go to school. That should keep me busy. I take 3 classes. Intro to Art, Intro to Humanities, and Oral Communications. That's only three classes, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm ready. Hopefully I can meet some new people, because the high school fags I know are a waste of air.

Speaking of friends. Sumner has been quite the new buddy. I've had her around for a while, but we have never been as close. I like it.

Friends....hmm. So there's this person that I talk to practically all day and all night via AIM or text. I really like it. I hope that person likes it too. I feel incomplete if I don't talk to that person on a daily basis. I'm a suckaaaaaa.

Trey Songz had a private webchat today. It was only for those who pre-ordered his album packages. I haven't gotten my package yet, but I am patiently waiting.

Last, but not least. I started a tumblr account. If anybody has one, or can teach me the ropes please let me know. That shit is way confusing for me.




I tried to give you the best of me,
but that just turned into stress for me.
So that day you decided you was dead to me,
had to be the best thing you could've done for me.



So, let's just right into it.

The "Run This Town" video leaked. WOMP. No bueno or the wait, but I won't post the video.

Enough about that. I know I said I was going to be blogging more, but then all of a sudden things came up. so, i gotta do what I've gotta do.

I don't think I mentioned much about my girlfriend here in my blog. I do have a girlfriend, though. Things are going well between us, but there is a few issues. The issues aren't within the relationship, but within the shit that goes on around us. It's hard to explain without puttin all my business out here. I don't wanna do that, though. All I know is that we are gonna make it work, however we can.

I been hanging out with rachel a lot more. This does make me happy because we kind of grew apart and I hated it. She's a really good friend, though. Today is her birthday. She's 18. :D We are going to get get industrials together. I'm excited, though. It means a lot that she actually asked me to go, because I thought she would take one of her more close friends. Anyways, we will have fun.

I had a job interview two days ago at Sears. They were impressed with my interview, so yesterday I had to go back for a second interview and I got hired. I got hired in the SHOE department, so that shit made me extra happy. I can't wait because I've been without a job for about 5 months.

The only thing I am worried about i the drug test. I have to take that today. I'm super nervous because I was smoking last week. I bought this detox drink, and all I can do is hope the shit works. If not, I'm gonna be fucked. That would make me really sad.

Today I also have a tour of my new college. I start college on September 1st. I'm really excited for this, but then again I'm nervous. It's a huge step, but hopefully I am ready. Now that I pretty much have a job, there's a ton of stress lifted off of me.

I still haven't gotten my license. it's hard for me because it's so scary for me since my friend died. I just gotta man up and take care of it, though. I need to start going to school and such.

Other than that, I don't think I am forgetting anything....I might be, though.

Ummm....New tattoo prolly coming very soon.



So my homeboy Dizzy found this dude who was taking every singe one of his blog posts. ALL OF THEM. Like copy and pasting every single thing, side pictures and all. Now, I've heard of stealing quotes, names, and pictures on the internet, but stealing WHOLE blogs?

Here's the link to the fradulant blog.

Here's Dizzy's REAL blog.
The REAL deal.



So, I decided that since I'm not out, nobody is hittin me on messegers, Myspace has been dead, and Twitter is half...I dunno where that I would do some video watching. I'll leave the video and my short commentary. Stop the music playing on the RIGHT. :)


So...I'm just bothered by the fact that he can dance better than some females. That's all.


Wow. Look at them got damn toe nails. I just threw up in my mouth a little.


Now...I am not mad at this man for speaking his opinions about the gay men he has messed with, or the fact that he drags it out by saying the same thing over in different ways. What I am bothered by, is the fact that this video is EIGHT minutes long. Why is this video eight minutes long? You want dudes to clean themselves up before sexual relations. That took me about 7 seconds to type. it would have taken less time to get that point across orally.

Anyways, I give props to him because his point was valid, he aologized to all the people who might have gotten offended, AND he told the haters to chill out with out lookin like a damn banshee. KUDOS.



Sometimes you have people around you constantly. When you have these people around you, you don't stop to think about what life would be like without them. This post isn't even to try and get you to think deep as in death and all of that. This post is to just get you to think about the individuals you have in your life NOW. Here, as in, text buddies, online friends, neighbors, cousins, ect. Feel me?

There's someone in my life that I talked to everyday. I didn't take the time out to think about what if I didn't have them around, or what if they didn't bother to hit me up each day. I just knew I had them there and that was fine with me. I never really thought like, "Oh...what if so and so doesn't text me tomorrow morning...", all of that shit was just irrelevant to me, but now when I don't communicate with them on a daily basis...it sucks. That's the only way I can honestly describe it.


eight.eight.ohnine. <3

So, that's Teresa. My feelings aren't new about her. She's the only girl that makes me nervous when she comes around. She's the only girl that I could stare at and never get bored. She's the girl who can make me smile like I do. I love her. I love everything about her.

That's where my mind has been lately. That's why I haven't been blogging like I said I was gonna do. I was talking to someone on Twitter and I realized that I can't just MAKE myself blog. There's so many people who read my blog, to just shove a lame post out onto them would be very wrong of me. SO, I won't feel bad for not blogging everyday. What I will do is make sure I don't go a WEEK without blogging. I'm sure that will be a task since school is gonna start for me soon. College sounds scary. For now, I just wanna spend time with Teresa until she moves.



Sometimes in life, we get the cookies and no milk. Most of us, instead of being thank for the delicious cookies, we ponder the thought on why we don't have the milk to go along with it. We get furious because we think it's unfair, not good enough, and quite frankly just a bunch of bullshit. So many of us forget to realize that it's a blessing to even receive the cookies. Some people don't even GET the cookies, yet we aren't satisfied with what we are blessed with. People, the cookies aren't delicious forever. Milk spoils. Some people are lactose intolerant.

What I'm saying is, life isn't always exactly what you want. Sometimes life is unfair, sometimes we feel like God, or whatever higher power you believe in, is working against us. Look at other people in life, and feel blessed for what you do get. Some people don't have as much and never will have much of anything. You just have to utilize what you DO have and be happy with it.

Life is too short. embrace the family, friends, and other people you love. Be thankful for all the material and inanimate objects that you own. Wake up, being thankful- EVERY SINGLE DAY.



Have you even been in that "grey/gray" area with someone? Whether it be because of emotional issues, some things that were said, or just any of other state that could offset all the happy-go-lucky moments? How do actually go about making it to either black or white,m in the situation? Or do you even TRY to do so? Is being in they grey/gray just OKAY with you? Or is that something to worry yourself over? Or does it even matter? Maybe it just depends on the situation. Maybe it's nothing that you should worry about labeling.

Grey/gray is something that I don't like, yet I always find myself falling into the grey/gray of something. Is it just me? Or is it just the way things play out? Being in the grey makes you confused, and I don't know about anybody else, but I know that I hate the confused feeling.



So, today was really a normal day.
Except for the fact that I had to drive. Now, I dunno how many people know this about me, BUT I'm scared to drive. It's not that I can't drive or that I just don't know how, there is another reason.

I won't go into the reasoning behind this because, well...I just feel like I've dedicated too many posts to that part of my life, and I just don't want to keep doing that. Anyways! I'm rambling now....

So, not only did I drive around like all FUCKING day, BUT I drove my GRANDMOTHER around. (insert a weird face here).

My grandmother just got out of the hospital not that long ago, and I want to be careful with her. So, driving her around had my nerves like...going crazy! The shit was so wild. I drove really good, though. I just was scared because she was in the car. i would feel REALLY bad if something happened while I was driving with no license, and she was in the car.

I do really need to go and get my license, though. I'm just so scared. It's just htat I am so scared of what could happen while driving because of what's happened in my past that, it's almost stressful for me to get into a car.

I don't even know how to fix this problem, really. I feel so lame most of the time because I know 16-year-olds with cars and licenses. I don't have either. Not because I couldn't have, but because I never made it a priority.



So, I been talking about my blackberry for a while now. Well..not a while, but long enough.

I finally got it today. Super excited, but it's not activated yet. I still need to figure everything out, and stuff like that.

I need to really figure out what to do with all the pictures from my old phone. I tried to use the memory card, but it didn't seem to work.

I dunno why I'm typing like this. I guess I just feel like spacing things out.

I slept all day today.

Sorry if my blog is boring today...or ever, in that case.

So, if anybody has any tips on Blackberry apps or anything like that, please let me know.

That's all I can really type right now.

I just want to get into the swing of blogging for the most part.



So, I haven't started blogging like I said I was going to do. I'm fixing that. There's nothing too extreme to blog about, so I'll just do some little points about the last few days.

- I ordered my Blackberry Curve off the net. I ended up getting the Blackberry Curve. I know it's old, and the tour was one of my choices, BUT the curve came out to about $150, while the Tour was like $320. I don't have a job, and I'm trying to survive off of Unemployment, so the Curve sounded a bit better to me at the time. Plus, college expenses are just around the corner and I can't fuck up on that part. August 31st is when my first classes start. Can't wait. Anyways, my brother talked me into getting the Orange phone. I can't complain, it's cute. I already got a Red phone and the silver one didn't seem like my style anyways. So, yeah. Cannot wait until the UPS guy comes tomorrow.

- My grandma got out of the hospital. She was doing a whole lot better, but then things got kind of worse. She's still home and I am still taking care of her. I'm not even mad or inconsiderate that I have to take care of her, but I am tired. So tired. I wish she would get all the way better because it's exhausting to wait for her to do so.

- I still don't have a job, which really sucks. There's no jobs out here for me to grab! I know that school is starting and some high school and college kids are going back to school. I really need money and I need to find a plan before my unemployement runs out. I can't be stuck without income. I haven't had a job in about 5 months. It makes me both depressed and angry. I feel like I am just so worthless.

- Speaking of school, i already mentioned that i start soon. I'm nervous. Really nervous. I need to get my schedule right! It's hard. I'l work it out, though.

- I really want another piercing. I think the Industrial sounds amazing. :)

I think that's about it for now. I will be blogging everyday from now on.



I would like to actually say thank you to Bri.
She always read and comments my blog.
Thank you so much, girly.
I know that I hardly ever comment your blogs, but I do read them!
I promise I read them.
I'm not good at commenting posts for some reason.

But, you guys who are reading, you should go find her blog.
Well, she has two. And there's no need to go find them.
Here's the links.





Have you ever had to make a really hard decision about someone in your life?
Have you ever had to actually think about whether that person should be in your life or not?
What if that person means a lot to you and it's a lose lose situation with them in your life and without them.
What do you do then?

I realize that sometimes people will go through loops and hurdles for a person that they care about, but won't get the same attention. Why do people continue to do that?

I do this all the time. Why do I sit and let friends and people in my life that don't act like they want to be there? They act like I'm just the next stranger on the street. When people act like that, there's obviously going to be issues. So, why do I keep letting the person/people stay in my life, and deal with all that excess negativity?

I guess it just really sucks when you care about someone so much, but they don't act like they feel the same. They may even say it, and may even try to stress that "it's not what you think" blah blah.

So...is it a game? Or am I REALLY over-analyzing?

Who know!

All I know is that, I hate making decisions like this, but it seems like they always come up. I guess it's just a part of the whole growth process, and making things better for yourself.



So, there's this dude.
His name is Cris.
Yeah, Cris..without an H.
He feels some type of way about me not blogging about him.
That's fine. So, now I'm blogging about him.
...to make him happy.

Why do I always do shit to make other people happy?
Makes almost NO sense.

Cris is mad cool.
We talk mad early in the morning because neither of us sleep at a regular time.
I dig him a lot.
I don't dig how he won't give me the Ace Hood download link.

There's not really much to say because honestly, I don't know much about him.
When we talk it's really just....off the head type shit, nothin too serious or informational.
But yeah...I met him on Twitter.
Follow him.




One thing that's weird to me is that, people swoon over celeb gossip blogs? I mean, I totally can agree with wanting to know what's going on & such, BUT if every blog you visit has the same shit on it...how does that become enjoyable? I see all these blogs that post the same things, and it's mad annoying. Whatever, though. I completely condone blogging anyways. I feel like writing in general is a wonderful thing, but if you write and can share it with other people- that's uber awesome.

Anyways, that brings me to one of my points for this post. A lot of people have been mentioning that they like my blog. I thank everyone who reads me. I thank everyone who reads AND comments. I thank you if you have me on your blog roll, if you've bookmarked me, followed me, RT'ed my link, and/or told someone about my blog. I've been blogging for almost a year now, and I have over 80 followers on my blog, and I just passed 300 posts. So, it's come a long way for me. But...that's what I don't understand. I have a hard time figuring out WHY people read me. Is it because I don't really blog about celeb gossip, that I blog about real scenarios, or is it because I have emotions in what I write? I know that everyone looks for certain things in a blog to be attracted to it, but I just can't pin-point the reason for my blog's popularity in recent times.

Whatever the case may be, thank you is all I have to say.

The other subject that I wanted to blog about was my grandmother returning home. She was in a coma for about 8 days. She went into the hospital on July 14th, and just came home today. It's been a very rough, very emotional time for my family and I. My grandmother does seem to be pulling out of the Spinal Meningitis that she had. If you guys don't know about Spinal Meningitis, it's a bacteria that you get that usually is fatal and leaves the brain too swollen to function. The nurse at the hospital said she had worked there for 20 years and had only saw TWO cases of this. Anyways, she's home. Even though she told the doctor she didn't want to discharge [insert eye roll here], she's still home. Thank you to everyone that was there for me when I needed kind words. Thanks to everyone on Twitter who prayed for my family when it didn't have to be any of their concern. You guys don't know how THANKFUL I am to know that there's people in life that really still do things like that.

All I can really say is that it's great to have her back home.



So, I love Big Sean. I wish so many people didn't sleep on him & I wish he was more "out there".
I had his mixtape for a while now. I bump it often, and I kinda wasn't worried about what he was doing for a while.
The video for "Getcha Some" surfaced....I really like it. He looks hella cute in it, too.

Anyways, I really like it.
I really like him in general. One thing I don't like is that I get the Kanye West feel that I didn't want to get.
I don't like Kanye West at all, and I can feel it all in Sean's aura! FML.

Anyways, just a small post for you lovers.




I realize that when people want somethin they are the friendliest. All of a sudden they love you, remember your number, hit you on the regular, and just remember your whole existence all together. I can't even lie and say I never did no shit like that, but constantly? That's just a buncha bullshit to me.

There's people like me who are just too nice for my own well being. I sit around and think that people will see what I can do, and actually BEFRIEND me, but in all actuality it's people that jut see what I can do and see an opportunity to hold their hand out.

Like 39408 people have ased me to help them with photoshop and shit like that. And ME? What do I do? I say yes. Like...most of the time I don't even want to. I'm so lazy, selfish, and stingy. What makes you think I really want to sit around and make shit for you when you aint payin me? LOL.

Anyways, it's not even just the whole Photoshop thing. It's other shit too and other PEOPLE. I feel like that's all people are nowadays. It really sucks because you could honestly just run though a kick ass person and it would just JUST THAT- a run through. That sucks...for both parties.



So, I put up a new header.

It's nothing too exciting. I kinda sorta can't get enough of Chris Brown. So, I used him. Somethin simple was what I was going for, but then again my photoshop creative block wouldn't let me go anywhere else with it anyway.

This is a sorry excuse for a post...Lol. But it is almost 4 AM. Don't trip. :)



First of all, I really need to blog more. A lot is going on right now, but when August hits, I plan to blog everyday. Even if I don't have tons of shit to blog about. I WILL blog. I used to love blogging. I dunno what happened to the Blogging world. Everyone on Blogspot has been cutting back on Blogging. It could just be because it's summer and people are busy, it could be that blogging is just not IN anymore, I think it's because Twitter came along. I know I'm addicted to twitter and I can't shake the addiction.

Anyways, my Grandma is STILL in the hospital. She's STILL not doing good at all. There's a lot of things wrong with her, so I won't put a bunch of details out there. Thanks to anybody who has said kind words to me, but I will not be giving out details about what's going on with her anymore. It's personal. What I will say is that there's a really rare something going on with her. The hospital says that it's a rare case & her case is the most sever they have seen. What REALLY scares me is that we were exposed to it. My entire family has been here, unknowingly exposing ourselves to what she's infected with.

The doctors are doing research and other things of that nature to find out more about her case. The bad part is that my family has to take some type of pills to make sure that we didn't extract what she's got. It really sucks, but I don't care. I want my Grandmother better.

On another note...It bothers me how families can be so conniving and deceitful. Why do my aunts & uncles not give twos hits about my Grandma until she's on her last leg? WAIT...I know why..because they KNOW about the will. So as soon as she's no longer here they wanna walk around with their hand held out. Boy, have I got a thing for them! I...AUDREY..is the power of attorney. You REALLLY think that you're gonna come fuck shit up? No way, bruh. Whatever, though. It's irritating. I've got an aunt who thinks because she's the oldest, she should be signing the papers at hospital letting them do the procedures. So, why if you got the pen in your hand are you turning to my Mom? Is it because you don't know SHIT about her situation? How you gonna try and jump in control when, if asked, you couldn't name 1 out of 13 medicines my grandma takes a day. Smh.

Anyway, I did go on a little rant, but fuck it. It's my blog. Tell a friend, to tell a friend to read my blog. :)



First of all....WHY THE FUCK did I refresh my Blogger.com page & see like 15 post IN A ROW about Rihanna & her new hair? That's why the fuck I should stop blogging. The fuck is goin on. Yeah, celebs must rule most of everyone's world because they don't talk about shit else. Smh. ANYWAY!

I am proud to say that I have a loving family. I wish I spent more time with some of them. I wish that they got along better with each other. I wish it didn't take a troubled time like having my grandma in the hospital to make me type all of this.

My grandma is in the hospital. I don't want sympathy, nor am I looking for someone to feel bad for the situation. I do however want to stress the face that I am going through it right now. I don't really know what's going to happen. I don't really know what is wrong with her. I do know that my world is upside down & I am thankful for everyone who has said any kind words to me during this time. THANK YOU.

I found out that I am a beneficiary power of attorney for my grandmother. What does that mean? That means I can override any decisions that my family member think they are going to make about her. That means my Aunt should STOP trying to sign papers at the hospital because it's not her business, and that means that if my grandma passes away & we live in her house- AINT NOBODY GETTIN SHIT FROM UP UNDER MY FAM. Simple as that.



It's a pet peeve of mine when there's people who say some shit & then do something different. Like, I know understand it's your life, I shouldn't be worried, ect. but I just feel that if you are using ME in the equation, then some form of the shit that you say to me should be true.

Like if you're tellin me "Audrey I'm in love with you.", "Audrey, you're who I wanna be with", and shit like that, then turn around & go back to whatever person you were just telling me treated you so bad....that defeats the whole purpose.

I know this post may sound like it's just me being bitter, but it's NOT. That's just one of the examples I've used. I'll throw in a few other examples...

Another person is all interested in me & not in love with her boyfriend. Then every time I turn around they're back together? Wow. Can you fix yourself, please? Wait..that one makes me seem jealous/bitter too.

Okay okay! So, you want to better yourself & go to school. You also want to stop drinking. So, why am I the only person you are ever sober around? Is it because I don't drink? Like..WTF.

People, what I'm trying to say is that, if you have an issue within yourself, talking about it isn't going to make people believe you. Actually getting up & sticking with the plan is wht's going to make people notice that you got your shit together.

Now playing: Young Cash - Eat It All
via FoxyTunes



So, alot of other blogs have prolly already mentioned it, but Beyonce has a new video for "Sweet Dreams". I do like the song. The song is catchy, but no I haven't heard it before I saw the video. Whatever, though. Not too big of a fan of Beyonce.

She video does have a NEW 3D type feel to it, but why is she still dancing with those two bitches like she's been doing for the past videos? I don't understand it, at all. Like....It just looks like a rendition of "Single Ladies" if you ask me. Oh yeah, and her Michael Jackson looking moves....riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Anyways, that's about it. Her video was irkin me. She's pushin the same shit over & over. Where they do that at?



So, this is my 301st post. Shout out to that.

Other than that, I haven't been blogging like that lately. People haven't been commenting either. I dunno what's wrong with that. Maybe it's because my posts haven't been just garbage about music, or maybe people haven't had things to say, or maybe people haven't been reading, or maybe people have just been too busy. Who knows!

I think that Twitter & Tinychat have just been taking over. I've been on Twitter constantly. Twitter & AIM consume me. I haven't even been on Myspace that much. Myspace is dead. Facebook isn't my thing, really and there's nothing for me on yahoo messenger. Lol.

Anyways, I just wanted to post some shit because I haven't been doing anything, but Twitter. If you don't follow me, you should. @feedmekicks




He's been gone a year. A year today. When I look back and think about how this last year has been...I get sad. Losing Mike was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. I can't get over it. I'm not okay with it. I try to just deal with it. All the songs, t-shirts, pictures, and whatever else we buy/make/create doesn't help. Well, lemme stop...it helps just a little, but not enough to make things better. Anyways, I won't type a lot about this situation. I feel like I've dedicated 80% of this years posts referring to him. It is what it is, though.

I love you, Mike.
Rest in Peace.

June 12, 1990 - July 6, 2008.

On another not-so-light note, how do I feel about moving to Iowa? I guess I don't really feel anything about it. Sometimes in life you've got to make a choice about life and there's nothing you can do about it.

We might have to do it. Who cares, really. There's a lot going on with my living situation. I just think that Iowa would be a fresh start. It's okay for me because I can be adjusted. My college is closer, and I would definitely miss my room. It would be just different, I guess. I'm worried about how the change would effect my little brother. He's never been the "new kid" anywhere, but sooner or later it's going to happen. Might as well get it over with, sooner than later....



It seems like as soon as things are good, you get knocked down. I don't ever ask for sympathy from people, or for anybody to care about what goes on in my life, but this is my blog. So if, you're looking for something entertaining, this is not it. I'm about to type how I'm feeling at the moment. You don't even need to read or comment. I don't care at this point...

In 10 days, I most likely won't have a place to live. It's a recession, but I never thought things would get this bad. I don't have a job. I can't find one. It seems like ther


Actually....I don't need to blog about this shit. You guys don't give a fuck if I have a house to live in or not. You guys don't care about anybody outside the internet. If I'm close to you, you know the situation already. If not, it's not like you cared anyway, right?



Over the past few days, a few things have surfaced to people that don't really need to know my business. Well, the people may be obliged to know, but not if I don't want them to. So, for one, if I don't tell YOU something from my mouth...that means what? THAT I DON'T THINK IT'S A DAMN NECESSITY FOR YOU TO KNOW. Another thing, if I let you into my circle enough to KNOW some shit about me, why would you open your mouth and tell someone else?

Anyways, if I've found out about your little mouth-running issues, then you've been DEADED from my circle. Don't try to get back in, cuz bitches know what they do when they're doing it. Real shit.

Anyways, I feel like this could possibly be one of my greatest pet peeves. That's like...talking behind your back, right? telling your business? Something like that. I hate that shit. So, while you're smilin all in my face, tellin the people around me my business, you're getting the damn boot.

-On a lighter note, sorry I haven't been blogging. I kinda had a drought. I still feel like I'm in one. I don't really have shit to type about.


Ahh well.



Many of you have heard the song already. The "video" has now been released.

Here's my "reaction" and thoughts on the video.

I couldn't embed the video because it would stretch my layout, buuuuuuut- here's the link.




So, Trey Songz dropped his brand new mixtape. Here's what I think about it. Links will be below the vid.




Tell me what you think.


So, my little brother has a pretty cool blog.
I think that if you are looking for blogs to read, you should read his.
I enjoy it, I think you guys will to.


I know if he has readers, he will blog more & who doesn't want blog followers.


My heart goes out to the entire Jackson family, not for losing Mike, but for losing someone in general. Losing someone is NEVER easy. As a matter of fact, I lost TWO people last July & last October that were close to me that I can't get over, but to have to lose your brother. Especially while the entire world has to lose him... To see Janet, made the realization actually hit me and let me know that he really is gone. People are killing themselves over this man. He meant so much to SO many people. I'm sorry for his loss & for what he meant to everyone.

Rest In peace, MJ. I am DEEPLY saddened by this, fareal.

I will try to get these posts out of the way, but with each day that passes & new information comes up about MJ, I have to put my feelings out there again. If you don't like the posts, you honestly don't have to read them. Unfollow me, if it bothers you that much. I don't care.

On a lighter note, I took a few new pictures. Nothing serious.


I personally think the whole show was an absolute let down. I think that even though they only had a few days to set up the show in a tribute type of way for Mike Jack, that it could have been a lot better with what they dd to celebrate him.

I thought Souljah Boys performance was wack. He could have done a little more, even though I don't like him at all. I thought Lil Wayne & Yung Money was ALL OVER THE PLACE. I thought Keyshia Cole's voice was off. Monica was good, though. I don't like that song, though. I thought Ne-Yo was bland all around & with that bald head & red sweater he looked like Lil Bill offa that cartoon show. Jay-Z....I aint even into him, so I aint gonna voice on that. Mary Mary was nice, even though i don't listen to gospel. Anyways...

I feel like Keri Hilson was the ONLY person who caught my attention. No, it's not just because I like her music, but she's the only one who I felt performed to a good extent. She actually sang, didn't pre-record, danced, put a nice Michael Jackson spin on things, and looked great. Simple as that. If you missed it, which I hope you didn't, here it is...

I also am really angry about the Chris Brown situation. I've heard a bunch of rumors already about it, but I'm not going to say SHIT until further notice about it comes out. I just really feel like he would have done an amazing job. Even Usher would have done a better job than Jamie Foxx & Ne-Yo. I was upset that Ne-Yo didn't even DANCE. WTF. I felt like this would have been a huge jump back into the limelight for Chris. Whatever, though. What's done is done.





First of all lemme say this: FUCK YOU JORDAN CHANDLER.

So, if you don't know- Jordan Chandler, who claimed that Michael Jackson touched him, came outta the woodwork & said that it was all a lie.


I dunno how legit that actual website is, but I do know that I Googled it & there was more than one source saying it the same things, so....Believe what you want.

Personally, I never thought Mike did it. I never really cared because I didn't know him personally. I knew his music. That's besides the point.

First of all, to make up lies like that about ANYONE is ridiculous. Shit like that RUINS people for the res of their lives. That fucked with Micheal's fan base, his music, his theme park, ect. Why would you say some shit like that? Matter fact, why am I asking why like I don't fucking know. 22 million sounds like a good enough reason to lie, huh?

That dumb ass kid LIED because he claimed his dad told him to. He LIED about all of it. He lied about MJ touching him, he lied about kissing, oral sex, ALL OF IT. This kid even went as far as to "describe" MJ's genitals looked & ect. That's A LOT of fucking lying. I am so mad right now, yet I am relieved because the truth has came out.

I'm angry for one because this kid WAITED to say something about it. He waited until Michael Jackson DIED to say something. This tells me that this kid wants MORE limelight. This tells me that this kid cannot get enough of the fame that this scandal has brought him.

It's a damn shame. Fuck that kid. Fuck his family, fuck everything he stands for, and I hope he did something worth talking about with that money he got from MJ. Fuck anybody that would lie about something like that.

Rest in peace, MJ. Fareal.



I don't watch TV. I don't even know the last time I turned my damn TV on, fot that matter! LOL. Anyways, I was talking to my friend. Let's just call them, SPIC. Now, don't get offended, if you are of the hispanic race and are reading this. I'm not calling YOU a spic, I'm calling ONE PERSON a spic, and that person is totally okay with me calling them that. So....if you don't like it. Kick rocks.

Anyways, here goes the AIM conversation...

SPIC (6:19:32 PM): i ended up knockin out to mj vids
miss feedmekicks (6:19:58 PM): how
SPIC(6:20:30 PM): dha tveee like all dha musik tv channels where playin songs
SPIC (6:20:35 PM): i was watchin vh1
miss feedmekicks (6:20:49 PM): ohhhhhhh
miss feedmekicks (6:20:51 PM): i forgot about tv
miss feedmekicks (6:20:52 PM): lol
SPIC (6:20:55 PM): lol
SPIC (6:21:16 PM): just cus u aint a fan of tv doesnt mean it doesnt exist! lmfao

I dunno if that made you LOL, but when it happened it sure seemed giggle-worthy to me. Anyways, let me type about something with some substance now. LOL.

I don't really know why I don't watch TV, I just don't. I mean, I will if I have to, but I'm not fond of it at all. Like, I just feel like other thigns that I do are more fun to me, I guess. Internet, music, reading, writing, cleaning, ect is all more enjoyable to me than sitting in front of a TV. I don't even catch movies like that. I think I lost my attention span over the years because movies used to be my thing. I like Free Willy & Jersey Girl & I am Sam & Pay It Forward & Selena & Enough & ....that's all I can think of right now. See! That's how much I DON'T dig movies.

...I digress. LOL.


It seems like more & more people have been hitting me up lately telling me how they enjoy my blog. That is TOTALLY WASSUP for me. Like, I'm happy that you get a kick out of my blog. I'm happy that people actually read me.

I have 80 followers, but not many comment, so I thought that not many read me. It's all good, though because I do the blogging for my personal reasons.

Anywayyyyyyy. I'm glad that people like my blog, and think I'm funny, and think what I say is a good read. i am thankful that people can actually relate to some of the shit I post. I am also thankful that even if you DON'T like what I read, that you give your opinions to me in a respectful manner. I like that.

So, Thanks to all of you who ACTUALLY take the time to read my blog. It's come a long way from just blogging because I had to pass my Honors Advanced Creative Writing class, you know?

SO, thanks. If you have any topics that you would like for me to speak on, let me know in a comment or email me at: feedmekicks@yahoo.com

I do make vlogs too, so if you got somethin you'd like me to talk about. Lemme know.

Anyways. Peace & Love. <3



I aint gonna talk a lot about it because I alreadys ee plenty of blogs adding to the monotonousness.

I did add a song & switch up my blog to remember him.

Let's keep the childish comments about everything except his music on hush. For God's sake. =|


I feel like there's nothing else in the world to do, but blog.

I been thinking heavy about massive amounts of shit lately.

I really need a job. I have FOUR dollars to my name.

I paid all my shit for the month, but...

What about next month? What if something comes up? My mom is struggling. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

I start school in August. I'm most likely not gonna want to work then because I'll be busy & prolly get some financial aid.

So, why am I even looking for a job? I aint havin good luck with it at all. What's gonna happen if I finally get one & then school starts? I dunno anymore.

Anyways, I cleaned my fucking ass off today. Like under everything. It was...unnecessary. Lol.

AND, I started talking to a kick ass dude, who should have been friends with me a long time ago. Mr Heartbreak is a cool ass person.

And Daniel is too high...chatting with me on AIM. He's dumb cool, though. We've been talking everyday for like a fucking month! Wowzers.

This post..is just plain throw up through my fingers. Sorry.


Honestly, why do dudes always gotta do retarded shit to NOT make you want to associate yourself with them? It's so fucking annoying that all you can do is think with your dick/sexual thoughts.

This dude hit me up yesterday outta nowhere. I don't even know who the hell he is & all of a sudden he wants me to do dumb shit on cam. WTF. Can you at least wait until I've known you an hour to ask dumb shit? Seriously. It's super fucking dumb tat you can't even hold a regular ass conversation with a member of the opposite sex. That shit doesn't even turn me on the least bit.

Another thing. Don't get all excited when I say I'm bisexual. It's not for male purposes. It's not to make you think I'm a "freak" or that I'm into a bunch of kinky shit. My sexual habits/preferences are my business & if I don't share them with you on my own time, then I don't want you to know. Get it? Great.



I don't know about you guys, but I do like meeting new people on the internet. The internet is kind of a good way to meet interesting people that enjoy some of the same shit you do.


What I don't understand is randoms. Like, I understand if you meet up with someone through somebody else you know from the internet or something like that, but when some random person hits you up. It kind of makes me un-easy about motives, reasoning, ect.

Anyways, there's no real point to this blog. It's just me...trying to stay in the habit of blogging everyday. I feel like blogging is a good look, and people should do it. i actually think that blogspot is one of the most enjoyable sites I have joined on the internet. People are cool, graphics/layouts/templates go INSANE, and it makes shit way more personable.

Anyways, I've decided that I will start doing graphics for money. If you know anybody that needs flyers, mixtape covers, edited pics, ect let me know.


Goodnight, lovers.



Sooooo, I know this post was supposed to diss boys, but uhm....maybe some other time.

The almost hightlight of my day as hearing that Chris Brown didn't get jail time. I know 38238472 other blogs are reading about it, so I could care less about typing a buncha shit about it. You guys should know how madly in love I am with him. If you don't know, well..I guess I kind of already told on myself, but yeah....

Today was a good day. I liked it. First of all, it was DUMB hot today. like...105 fucking degrees. ARE YOU KIDDING ME JESUS? Please, stop the madness. Anyways, I don't usually swim because I feel like I'm fat & blah blah. So...today was the first time i swam in like 4 years. I had a good time. Plus I laid out for like 20 minutes. I got a little darker. LOL. I'm tired of being dumb white.

Then, I hung out with Rachel. Actually, I always love ahnging out with Rachel. She's a really good friend. Half the time I freak out on her for no apparent reason. She says the best things to me, and always is fun to be around. I'm kinda glad I still have her. I feel bad soemtimes for talking about how the friends I made in high school left me hangin since I left early and shit, but really- Rachel hasn't. I know that I say rude shit that I shouldn't say to her, and I do apologize for that. She usually reads my blogs, she's the only REAL LIFE person that reads them other than my KID BROTHER, so she will see this.

Anyways, we ate Subway & talked. Then we went & got Elmo and went to his boyfriends house. Actually, it was kinda cool, but I got a weird vibe from the dudes there. Like...I think the other dude was straight and then Elmo's boo was obviously gay, and they were there together. It was just a little off to me, but it's not my business...

Anyways, today was good. I liked it. That is all.

Oh wait....I talk to Bear again.....

AND...I heard form the grapevine that I have supposedly been trying to hack Ginger's email....uhm...I don't even own her fucking password for one, and for two nobody gives two shits about her gmail account. I could have her whole laptop crashed by tomorrow night if she really wants to know the deal. then maybe she would have a REAL reason to call me out my name. Enough of that...



I decided that the topic I was going to discuss should/could wait until after today. I was going to verbally bash men, but being that it is Father's Day...

I could really care less about this holiday...one, because I'm not a father, and two, because my dad doesn't act like much of his title. I don't feel the need to bash him, because that is my dad & I never lost respect for him as a person, but I don't go out of my way neither.

Anyways, I hope that all the fathers out there have a wonderful day. I hope the people that have lost a father are in good spirits. I hope that kids who do have a relationship with their father do something for him, and I hope that all the single mothers know that this is their day as well.

Anyways, that's all I wanted to say.
Have a good day.
I should be back to blog again later...


I haven't slept yet, but it's all good.
I been fixing this layout of mine ALL NIGHT.
I love the outcome.

i added a new song, whole new template, new header, and added a blog roll.
IF you aren't on the blog roll, just lemme know.
I prolly didn't know your real name to put you on there.

Anyways, tell me what you think & drop your url/name below if I missed you on the blog roll.

xoxo, audrey.



That's all.



I've been subscribed to this dude on YouTube for a while now. He can sing! I love it. He made this video and my jaw dropped open. I just love everything about it. I love how he didn't waste his damn time talking, how he didn't say shit at the end, how he was dressed so chill, just everything...

He's good right? Yeah...I know. He's kind of cute as well. Whatever, though. Peep him some more.



Now, I know everybody has their opinions about Cassie, and I really could care less what any of you think about her. The point is that, people should really give her a break. People should really step back & realize that she aint gonna stop doin what she does because you think she can't sing, she aint gonna stop doin what she does because people talk about her fuckin Diddy, she aint gonna stop doin what she does because you don't like her shaved head. So with that being said I wish people would fall back just a little. Focus on someone else and let the chick do her.

I'm not sure how old this interview is, but in this interview she was not only getting verbally attacked by the host, but callers weren't bein nice either. They kept tellin her it was a Rihanna-Beyonce world and that she had no talent ect. Listen to the interview at the link below.

Cassie Interview.

Now, I can't tell people not to voice their opinions, but come on now. You shouldn't tell the chick shit she's already heard a million times in one interview. It's not even that necessary.

You might think she can't sing or whatever, but she's doin her thing. She's keepin her head up even with all the shit she's goin through. She had nudes on the net and she's still grindin like it's whatever. I love her style. I think she's a very pretty girl. I do think that she should try her talents elsewhere then singing, but what can you do. She's gotta learn herself.

She's an ill individual. Period.



So, I design for this site, and we are trying to get it poppin. Right now, it is not. So, if you could follow it, promote it, show it to your friends that would be nice.


bad chick media.




Anyways, I was talking to me mom today. I don't have a job, I have been looking though, and I was talking to her about trying ot make money doing something I like doing. Photoshop.

So, I was thinking of opening a PayPal account and trying to market myself on the social networking sites that I'm on right now. I was thinking maybe like craigslist could help too. I'm not sure, I just really need to think of a legit way to make money.

I'm not trying to make a bunch of cash offa this shit, but a few extra dollars wouldn't hurt, and I've been photoshopping a lot lately, so why not try to do it a little more serious?

I dunno, though. It's just a thought that was thrown out there today, and I was just trying to figure out what kind of things I could actually do.




I HATE liars. I HATE people who lie for no reason. I HATE people who lie to for something to do! It's so annoying, and generally the lie isn't even thought through enough to ACTUALLY be believable. I do understand small white lies, even if they aren't to spare someones feelings. I'm not saying I haven't lied to someone about what I was doing, or lied about who I was with, or lied about what I was about to, BUT I've never lied about something irrelevant as some people of late have been doing.

Anyways, liars are uber lame. Like, someone lied to me about getting off AIM because of some reason. Like...seriously? (insert irritated face here) It aint even THAT serious. If you aint tryna chat with me, then just say BYE. LOL.

Moving along, lies aren't good for anything. Usually when you tell a lie, you end up having to keep your lies stringing together. To cover up a lie, you have to lie again, and to cover that lie about the first lie, you have to make another lie. In the end, you're just fake as fuck for no reason, just because you couldn't be real and tell the truth. The truth may hurt at times, but that's life. Get over it, babe.

On another note, there's been a few people that have left my life recently, and I can't be mad about shit at this point, BUT there has been a few people that have came into my life as well.

First. Daniel. He's really funny and will STAY chatting with me. I am always in a good mood when I talk to him, and half the time we just talk about things that aint even really nothing. He's cool. I just stopped talking to Bear, which is fine with me because he doesn't seem to care, and Daniel has helped me get over it. He actually helped me break things off with Bear, if you'd like to know the truth. Anyways, thank you Daniel, for being a true friend through all of the shit I tell you about. PS: You're a hooker. :)

Another person, I don't know if I should even say a name because I don't really want attention brought to her. Anyways, I have this friend that I wasn't really as close to, but I wanted to be close to because she's an amazing person. The other night she came to me and I actually learned that I am closer than I thought. I'm not sure if she always thought of me as close, or if the situation at hand helped me gain the closeness, either way, it's cool with me. She's mad cool, and she's very forgiving. Even after a bunch of shit I put her though. I'm glad that I can feel like we are close and not just talk-whenever-there's-nobody-else pals.

Anyways, I've rambled on now. Moral of this post: DON'T FUCKING LIE.

Now playing: Johnta Austin - Take It Back
via FoxyTunes



I was talking with a friend of mine, and we came to this bump in the road about Johnny Depp. Now, I'm not saying I'm NOT a fan of his, but I don't make it an apparent point to catch his flicks...and shit. Anyways, that's not what was talked about in the conversation. I, personally, feel that this dude....looks straight homeless....ALL THE TIME.

I don't want to hear any excuses about how that's just a bad picture of him or you caught him at the wrong time..or anything of that nature. He just looks lost, for no reason. Cleaned up, or not *cough, tae, cough cough* he looks horrid.

This kind of feels like a rant. I think it's because she secretly thinks I LIKE blogging about this dude. I really just wanted to get it off my chest, since I had no other blogging ideas.



Who really would have thought that I would be this excited to go to school? Who woulda thought that I would be making Computer graphic design my major, seriously? I sure as fuck didn't. I never would have really thought it would all go down like this.

Today I went and picked my classes for the first semester, which starts August 31st. Oral communications, Intro to Humanities, and Intro to drawing. Yeah..they fuckin FLUNG that drawing shit in there on me. Why? Because it goes along with the requirements for Computer Graphic Design. Jesus!

Anyways. I been doing alot of random photoshopping. Nothing too serious though. Just to get back in the hang of things. Photoshopping had started to feel like work and a job to me, but it's not. I love the shit and it makes me happy, even if I aint the greatest at the shit. Here's some stuff I've done recently.

My template cuts off my pics, so you gonna have to click the links, son.


Keri Hilson 1.

Keri Hilson 2

Anyways, I think there's been a drought in good blog reads.
Someone fix that! =|



So, the last few days I have been kinda lonely. I don't know if it's because I haven't been talking to Bear, I found out what Teresa is really about, I don't talk to Ginger anymore, or...numerous of other things. It's all gravy with me, I like being alone, but I don't like the lonely feeling. I mean, who does?

There's also been a few great things going on. I haven't stopped talking to D since we met. He's dumb funny & knows some stuff about computer shit that I'd like to learn. I also have been focused on getting this school shit together. I been on it the last few days. Got in touch with my college admissions counselor, did my FASFA, and I'm trying to get the next steps goin for classes and such.

I been driving a lot. I like it, even though I still feel nervous. That might sound mad corny, but losing my friend to a car accident a year ago SHOOK me. i try so hard to shake the feeling, but it's mad hard to do when I can't stop thinking about him. But, I do need to get my license. Quick like.

Speaking of driving, a car would be necessary since I plan on driving to college & shit. I can't do anything about that without a job...

BUT...I did FINALLY apply for my unemployment today. It wasn't as hard as I expected, but I already knew that. I just worry a lot.

So, I think I should get dressed and shit because I need to go fill out the forms to get that shit rollin....

OH. SIDENOTE: Everything looks more green in the morning. Like...nice and shit.

I finally think that I will have my time schedule back on track after today. I woke up at 6AM. :)

I'm done typing.
Now playing: Drake Feat. Lil Wayne & Nut Da Kid - I Want This Forever
via FoxyTunes



Tonight I just found out that my homegirl Raeven's house was burnt down last Saturday. This fuckin shocked me, son! Deadass, I had no idea what to say. Her family lost everything.

Basically what I'm tryin to say with this post is that, you shouldn't take the things you have for granted. Appreciate all that you have because in a minute it can all be taken away. In the blink of an eye you can go from a household filled with materialistic shit to chillin in a hotel room with nothing but the clothes on your back, your mom, and your two dogs. =/

That shit straight sucks. I feel bad for her and her family. I know everything will be okay with them, but it's just the fact of the matter.

Don't take what you have been blessed with for granted. Appreciate it and make sure you aint one of those bitch ass people who keep askin for more.

Now playing: ray j- anytime
via FoxyTunes